what a tuesday

yesterday was quite the tuesday.  too much excitement for one day if you ask me.

first, during my lovely commute to work, cars started slamming on breaks going down hill, so i caught myself breaking rather hard to avoid a collision.  talk about an adrenaline rush.  thankfully hard breaking was all that was entailed, but of course my mind instantly goes to bitty baby and whether he is ok {no, i don’t know if baby is a he or she, but hubs and i think it’s a boy, so i’m just going to refer to baby as a he}.  there was no impact, just lots of adrenaline, so logically baby should be fine.  but these are the things that worry new mommies to be – i’m quite certain some of you can relate.  i managed to talk myself out of worry from the driving incident.  hubby and i had an appointment with my RE the next day {wednesday, so today} anyway, so we’d know for sure how our bitty baby is doing.

so my morning carried on with work and then a coffee break with a friend {or as the bank would call it, “networking”}.  on my way to coffee {or hot cocoa for me}, i started to feel pretty crampy.  not uncommon these days, so i just tried to ignore it.  we got our drinks, went to find a table, and commenced with the chit chat.  but, my cramps were still nagging me, and my pantiliner felt pretty wet.  there was a bathroom in sight, so i excused myself.  i dropped my drawers to see a whole pantiliner of dark, deep blood.  it even looked like it had tissue in it {maybe crinone, maybe tissue}.  holy cow.  if that wasn’t enough, after urinating, i glanced into the bowl to see red water.  you know, the kind you see when you’re on your period and the bleeding is at its peak.  excellent {and by excellent, i mean dang}.  so, still sitting on the toilet, i grabbed my phone and called the nurses line for my doctor.  thankfully denise answered on the second ring and i didn’t have to leave a voicemail.  i explained the situation and told her that i was quite sure this pregnancy was over.  the cramps and bleeding were all too familiar from my miscarriage last september/october {oh yes, it was a multi-month event and a total disaster}.  denise said dr. wing was in surgery {of course he was, it was tuesday and i was in need}, but that they needed to see me.  she had to take a look at the other doctors’ schedules, but she would call back with a time to come in.  i returned to my friend at our table and told her what was going on {i barely remember the conversation, probably because i was in a state of shock}.  she elegantly closed the conversation and i started to return to my desk.  first i stopped at a bench to call hubby, and he {of course} was in a meeting.  he sits on a trading desk for the bank and the phone lines are all connected, so his coworker picked up.   i told his coworker that i had to speak to him.  hubby finally came on the line and i informed him that our pregnancy was over and i was losing the baby.  i told him i was waiting for denise to call back with an appointment time.  i really don’t remember much about this conversation either.  i do remember feeling so sick to my stomach and scoping out trash cans to puke in should it come to that.

i started the journey back to my desk to wrap up a few morning tasks.  i made it to the lobby of my building when my phone rang.  it was nurse mary {my doctor’s IVF nurse} calling with my appointment time, 11:45 am… almost two hours away.  i told her that i feared the worst, that our baby was gone.  she was so hopeful and replied with something like “well we don’t know that, let’s see what’s going on first.”  did she hear me say lots of cramps and bleeding?  cramps like when i had the miscarriage last year?  i was instructed to stay off my feet until the appointment.  i called hubby back to give him the appointment time and he was like “ok, what should i do?”  ummmm, helloooo hubby, your wife may be losing your child.  either take me to the doctor or meet me there.  chances are i will need someone to pick me up and drag me out of the office when the doctor delivers the news.

so back to the 6th floor i went.  my manager wasn’t in her office, so i went to my desk to finish some quick work things and to send my manager a note.  then i gathered up my things, stopped by the bathroom to change my pantiliner to a pad, and headed home.  i texted a few friends for prayer and called my dad on the way to my parking deck.  once in my car, the tears and audible crying came.  i still had cramps this whole time, they did not subside until i laid down in bed.

once home, i’m pretty sure i had some “why God” thoughts?  why would You give us a baby and then take it away?  why do we have to go through this given all that we’ve been through to get to this point?  did breaking hard seriously cause me to lose our baby?  do i need to live in a bubble for the next 8 months?  too exhausted from the morning’s events, i just laid in bed in silence waiting for hubby to come take me to the doctor.  i prayed for bitty baby and remember asking God to hold bitty baby in His hands.  my mind also thought about how long would it be before we could transfer another embryo.  all i want is a healthy baby.

and so it was time to go to the doctor.  a different nurse called me back, took my blood pressure, went over a medication list, and talked to us for a few minutes.  she said sometimes a blood vessel can pop and it can look real terrible, like there will surely be no more baby.  apparently this is more common with IVF patients than with other fertility treatment options.  still fearing the worst, there i sat half naked, still bleeding, waiting for the doctor to come in.  this was the same doctor that saw me on that dreadful saturday last october before methotrexate was administered.  he certainly is the doctor of bad news.  in he came with his nurse, and the ultrasound commenced.  he kept looking and measuring and looking some more.  the room was silent.  so i finally said “there’s no heartbeat is there?”  just a week and a half earlier i could clearly see the flicker on the monitor, yesterday i just saw a blob of baby.  he responded “i think i see a flicker there, but it’s pretty slow.  i’m going to zoom in here and take a look.”  he zoomed in and we could hear the heartbeat all right.  however, he measured 104 and 102 and said it should be above 120 at 7 weeks.  then he took another measurement and got 113, which he was comfortable with.  about that time, nurse mary walked in and said “that is the best sound i’ve heard all day.”  the doctor finished looking around and said that there may be some blood at the bottom of my uterus, completely opposite from the baby.  he then told us that some babies just have slower heart rates, even when they’re born.  otherwise, bitty baby measured 7 weeks 3 days, which was right on track.  he said that my doctor should see me again in a week and that i should stay off my feet, drink even more water, and call if the bleeding gets heavier in the meantime.

so now i sit at home on bed rest until next tuesday.  i’m so grateful for another day of bitty baby’s life.  i am worried about his seemingly slower heart rate, but nurse mary said baby’s heart rate changes just like ours.  i will keep praying and trusting our Lord to hold bitty baby in His hands.  i know i have lots of prayer warriors doing the same.

a dear friend texted me this verse before my appointment yesterday:

trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.  {Proverbs 3:5-6}

this friend has been through a loss and difficult pregnancies as well, so she can relate.  she stopped by with dinner last night and to chat.  she told me she wishes she could say that everything is going to be ok, but she doesn’t know that.  she’s been in my shoes and has been afraid before every doctor appointment.  we talked about how living worry free is not realistic, but the important thing is to be honest with God in how i’m feeling.  she’s told me before that when i look back one day in the future, i will be proud about how my faith has grown.

 

dear Heavenly Father, thank you for today and even yesterday, which was so scary.  thank you for bitty baby’s life and for holding him in Your mighty hands.  i know that all things are possible through you.  i know you’ve healed the sick and the blind, and i know you sent Your Son to the world through a virgin birth.  there is not one thing that is too hard for You.  i thank You for the peace of today, and i trust You to keeping holding our baby.  please help him to continue to grow and develop and help him to have a healthy, strong heart rate next week.  Amen.

“every good and perfect gift is from above” {James 1:17a}

we are pregnant!  there is a baby g growing in me, or as i like to call it, bitty baby.  my womb is no longer empty, it is full.  and my heart is full too.  i’m so thankful to our Heavenly Father for this gift.  hubby and i both think it’s a boy, we have a 50% chance of being correct.  we definitely do not have a preference on gender, we just want a healthy, happy baby.

this part of the journey hasn’t been a breeze though.  i’ve had a lot of spotting {possibly due to crinone}, angry muscles from the progesterone shot, pregnancy insomnia, and then this morning…. period like flow.  eek!  i panicked.  thankfully my RE was on duty and in the office this morning, so i got to visit him {for the 2nd time this week}.  i went on wednesday after continually complaining about spotting.  baby measured 5 weeks 1 day and was too little to see the heartbeat.  today baby measured 5 weeks 6 days and had a heartbeat of 97 bpm!  while i’d rather not have bleeding, i’m so thankful that we got to see our bitty baby today.  as for the bleeding, my RE said it just happens to 25-30% of his patients and there’s really nothing that can be done except stop worrying.  he’s probably getting tired of me, but this is what i pay him for.

it’s easy to get trapped in fear and worry that this pregnancy will end early like the last.  but then i pray, and an overwhelming peace comes over me.  this journey is the Lord’s will for my life.  i’ve been reading these verses daily for i don’t know how long. the Bible is full of promises like these.  they keep me going and comfort me when i’m afraid.

those who sow in tears shall reap in joy.  he who continually goes forth weeping, bearing seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.  {Psalm 126:5-6}

ah, Lord God!  behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm.  there is nothing too hard for You.  {Jeremiah 32:17}

behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh.  is there anything too hard for Me?  {Jeremiah 32:27}

anything is possible at any time.  i know this all too well, and i’ve witnessed this firsthand in friends’ and family members’ lives.  there is something to worry about every step of the way – it doesn’t end after the first trimester or after the baby is born.  every day i have to choose to be happy and to keep the faith.  today, i’m pregnant with a little baby, and i’m beyond grateful to God.

i feel like i’ve missed out on posting pictures of pee sticks and beta levels since i’ve kept quiet for so long, so here’s my update:

i started testing 5 days post transfer using wondfos.  here are day 5’s and 6’s tests, which i actually assessed as negative and threw away.  later, i got the hunch to dig them out of the trash, and bam… two lines.

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were these just evap lines?  or was this the real deal?  i confirmed with a first response 7, 8, and 10 days post transfer:

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i had my first beta 11 days post transfer.  it was 373.  2nd beta was 14 days post transfer and was 1,037.  3rd and final beta was 18 days post transfer and was 3,111.

as for symptoms, i sometimes get mild cramps, signifying a stretching uterus.  i also have to drug myself with benadryl to sleep.  i was so sleepy all the time with my 1st pregnancy – hasn’t really hit me yet.  i get occasional headaches and dizzy/light headed spells.  i also drink a ton of water, and pee constantly.  i’ve been a chocolate lover my whole life, but surprisingly could do without right now.  i haven’t been sick or nauseous yet, but i also don’t really enjoy eating.  it’s hard for me to think of something i really, truly want.  my boobs also hurt fairly often.

big bro and sister-in-law are due in march.  bitty baby is due around april 12th.  so thankful we will have cousins to grow up with each other in our family.

thanks to my friends, fellow bloggers, and support system for all of your prayers for our baby.  please keep them coming!!

 

dear Heavenly Father,  please continue to watch over our bitty baby and keep it safe.  help it to grow healthy and strong and to develop normally.  help it to be born alive and at full-term.  thank you for his/her life and for all of the many blessings you have given us.