a little comic relief

remember how i mentioned that i’ve started going to counseling again?  well, i’ve seen this new counselor/practice a total of 3 times, and that’s as high as the count will get.  i’m scheduled again for next friday, but i’m canceling it tomorrow.

over the course of these 3 visits, this {Christian} “counselor” has managed to let a few not so great things come out of his mouth.  i didn’t think much about it the first time it happened, but as of this week, he crossed the line to unprofessional territory.  at this point, i just have to laugh, but here is a sample of some of his unsavory words:

  • during the first session, he inquired about me and hubby’s current sexual intimacy.  {let me tell ya doc, fertility treatments pretty much sucks the romance right out you.}  this was odd, but perhaps appropriate.  i get it, married people need sex.
  • what’s it like to be 15 weeks pregnant?  when you are standing there in the shower, how does it feel?  {why do i have to be in the shower?}
  • you probably won’t relax until you’re holding your baby and you can count 10 fingers, 10 toes, 1 head, 1 penis.  {you could’ve just said “and make sure he’s still a boy.”}
  • when commenting on how everything worries me, for instance, my bump seems rather small for 15 weeks, is the baby growing appropriately?  he goes off on a tangent about how women’s bodies are a mystery to him.  he doesn’t understand how someone who is 2 weeks pregnant can have massive breasts, but someone at full term looks normal.  {and that, my friends, was the straw that broke the camel’s back}.

i guess i should give him credit for the one helpful thing that’s come out of his mouth, which is this… in expressing my frustration about not letting myself enjoy the pregnancy in an effort to protect myself should something bad happen, he posed the question ‘God forbid something should happen, but if it did, would you grieve any less because you were unhappy now?’  hmm, now that’s food for thought.

i told hubby today that he is 1% helpful, 80% fluff, and 19% creepy.  i’ll take my 1% and attempt to celebrate the now.

should this counselor stumble upon my blog, he needs to know he’s lucky i’m not reporting his butt to my pastor and the denomination i’m affiliated with, and whoever else will listen.  i’ve got some other fish frying right now, so i don’t have tine to deal with this.

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CVS update & other ramblings

we got the rest of our results from the CVS.  thankfully, all of bitty’s chromosomes look great {praise the Lord}.  now we’ll just have some extra monitoring to keep a close eye on things.  i’m not exactly sure what this will entail, but i’ll ask the high risk doctor when we go back on halloween.  that appointment is really for my first cervix check since i had/may still have a septate uterus.

this week i get to go to my regular OB for the glucose test and a heart rate check.  i’m not at all thrilled about drinking 50 grams of sugar in orange syrup form {especially because i still don’t like most sweets}, but given my history of PCOS, the high risk doctor prescribed an early test.  hopefully i can get the beverage down in the allotted 5 minutes.  i should also mention that i’m not allowed to have my usual carby breakfast that morning.  carbs can interfere with the test, so i’m stuck with sausage patties.

call me crazy, but i felt the need to purchase my own doppler.  my very own sonoline B arrived today.  it took us a second to find bitty {only because the baby was much lower than i expected}, but we eventually did.  the doppler isn’t the most accurate with the heart rate number it displays {hubby counted beats to double check}, but it accomplished the goal of allowing us to hear bitty’s heart.

our friend, who is also a talented photographer, came over this morning to take photos for our pregnancy announcement/gender reveal.  once they’re ready i will share them here {and on FB}.  think i may also go public with the blog then.  it stresses me out, but this part of my life journey is a part of my story and testimony.  not to mention, i hate how no one talks about infertility.  it’s a rotten place to be in.  my hope is that this blog can either help someone else or at least educate others.

low papp-a and CVS… faith over fear continued

i think i mentioned that i’m seeing a maternal-fetal specialist (high risk doctor) in addition to my regular OB.  at my first appointment with the high risk doctor, bitty baby and i got a nuchal scan and a first trimester screening.  apparently everyone who walks through this doctor’s doors between 11 and 13 weeks gets these tests.  i was told they were happening, but didn’t think much about it.  partially because i’d never heard of these tests and didn’t know what to worry about, and partially because i presumed everything would check out.  i’m 26 for crying out loud.  well, surprise!!!  …the first trimester screen results came back less than stellar.  my papp-a level was {probably still is} 80% lower than it should be.  {seriously?  can bitty and i just get a pass on something for once?}  apparently low papp-a levels can be an indication of a chromosome abnormality in the baby – like down’s, trisomy 18, trisomy 13, etc.  or, it can mean the placenta is just not functioning appropriately so i’m at a higher risk for miscarriage, stillbirth, the baby not growing properly, preeclampsia, and probably more.

like i said, can bitty and i just get a pass on this one?  we’ve been through a lot already.  we could do without this worry.

so, an 80% lower papp-a level for me translates to about a 1 in 80 chance of having a baby with down’s {compared to the normal risk of 1 in 400}.  my doctor recommended genetic counseling and maybe a CVS.  a CVS is kind of like an amniocentesis, except they take some of the baby’s placenta instead of fluid based on gestational age.  at first, i was super hesitant about the CVS.  it carries a risk of miscarriage.  and really, i just want to leave our baby and its placenta untouched and intact.  but with a miscarriage risk of about 1 in 300 or 1 in 400 compared to our down’s risk of 1 in 80, hubs and i decided we should go ahead with the test {mostly because we didn’t want to wonder for the next 6 months}.

of course, hubby was traveling on business the week all of this went down {he never travels.  at the very most, once a year.  impeccable timing, life.  simply impeccable}.  the CVS has to be done between 11 and 13 weeks, or else you’re waiting until 16 for an amino.  after much prayer, googling, and crying, i signed myself up.  hubby and i know that we will not terminate the pregnancy if something is seriously wrong.  life and death is not up to us, but to our Creator.  we just want to be prepared for the road ahead.  on CVS day, i met with the genetic counselor first {hubby on conference}, then got cleaned off with betadine, numbed up, and had an entirely too long needle jabbed in my abdomen.  i closed my eyes after one glimpse of the needle.  i didn’t think they made needles that long.  the test itself was uncomfortable.  it made my uterus get crampy {not like period cramps, hard to explain}.  the whole time, bitty was monitored via ultrasound.  bitty baby really started to move around after the procedure, probably because it was unhappy at something disrupting it.

the FISH results (down’s, trisomy 18, trisomy 13, and gender disorders) were available in 3 business days.  we also opted for a more thorough analysis of the baby’s chromosomes, which takes an additional two weeks.  thankfully, the FISH results came back normal.  now we are waiting for the other results.  we’re a little nervous, but the reality is that we will likely be nervous the entire pregnancy.  even if the chromosome results come back fine, there is still a chance that the placenta is not working well.  there’s also a chance that everything is totally fine and we end up with a healthy, happy, full-term baby.  the latter is our prayer.

of course, all of this was a lot to absorb.  i had a hard time last week, especially with hubby away.  i could hear the worry in his voice, which made it even harder for me.  usually he is so strong, and for once i could tell that he was afraid.  when i think about it, this part of the journey was the icing on the cake of 2 years of unhappiness.  i know i have not been the happiest since our infertility journey began in the fall of 2012 with the septate uterus diagnosis.  and of course, things only got worse from there.  it’s hard for me to live with the reality that i may never bear a biological child.  all that being said, i decided to go to counseling again.  pastor a recommended a Christian based counseling center.  i’ve already met with my new counselor once.  he listened to my quick overview of my life and our infertility struggles. amazingly, he validated that i’ve been through a lot and sometimes we just need a break.  while we have so much to be thankful for, it was nice to hear that my desire for smooth sailing isn’t ridiculous or un-Godly.

like i mentioned here, we can live in worry and fear everyday, or we can trust in Someone who can do anything.  i don’t know how this journey will continue to unfold, but i do know that God will watch over bitty and bring it here safely if that is His will.