for now, the blog will still be private

those who know, will still know, but i’ve decided to not to go public just yet.  if you know me in real life and have figured it out from the pictures i shared, good for you and read on.  otherwise, i still need a safe place to vent.  writing is therapy for me {especially since i can’t seem to find a counselor that fits the bill}.

today i need to complain about work.  i try not to do this because i’m so grateful for a steady income and insurance benefits.  without this job, hubs and i would’ve had added stress from finances while trying to conceive.  infertility is terrible enough, no one needs to worry about how they will pay to try to have a baby month after month with no success.  we are fortunate in that this is not a concern for us {at least for now}, and i truly try not to take this for granted.

but this same job with wonderful benefits has been a source of anxiety for me for the past two years.  first, i was stressed because i worked too much and didn’t have time/couldn’t relax enough to pursue fertility treatment {though we pressed on anyway}.  so i switched teams to a role that offered more work-life balance, and now i’m dealing with a whole different set of issues.  interpersonal issues and poor communication with certain teammates, while trying to get up to speed in a new role.  i don’t consider myself hard to get along with.  sure, i’m more hormonal and willing to stand my ground now that i’m pregnant, but still pretty levelheaded.

today was bad.  it started with what i perceived as a typical rude remark {in writing} from the usual suspect.  instead of ignoring it, i made the decision to pick up the phone today.  bad idea.  things quickly spiraled out of control and became a one-up game on who is more disliked by the broader team.  yikes!!  my voice was elevated.  i got hung up on.  and there were tears.  angry tears.  it was not pretty.

i’m frustrated with myself for not living out my faith in all aspects of my life.  how do i stand up for myself and command respect from irrational {and maybe bipolar} coworkers?  how do i do this while still demonstrating the love of Jesus Christ?  how do i love the Lord so much that this love is always apparent to others?  these verses from Deuteronomy 6 are weighing on my heart tonight:

love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. these commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. impress them on your children. talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

also, how do i keep myself from getting so worked up about this?  first and foremost, i’m responsible for the sweet boy that’s growing inside of me.  i don’t ever want stupid, unimportant work stress to potentially cause him harm.  nothing {including work} is that important.

i’m all ears if you have suggestions to my dilemmas.  i do have time setup with my manager tomorrow morning.  she’s been supportive and understanding with these interpersonal issues so far, and i’m praying that’s still the case tomorrow.  i feel like at some point i do need to figure out how to deal on my own, or simply not let these things bother me.

part of my overall unsatisfaction stems from my desire to do something different with my career.  something other than sitting behind a computer, typing away at emails, and clicking away in excel all day.  something that makes a difference.  something that changes lives.  i’ve been thinking seriously about going back to school to become an infertility nurse.  i would certainly bring an element of compassion and empathy to the job {something i wish some of the nurses i dealt with had}.  and i would help change lives by helping people build families.  this sounds so fulfilling.  guess i’ll keep praying about this idea for now.

here’s to hoping tomorrow’s a bit smoother!