no LEEP {at least for now} & WTH boobs

the biopsy results are in from the colposcopy… thankfully the cell changes are not bad enough to warrant a LEEP procedure.  so now i’m just waiting for the d&c to be scheduled {as i bleed intermittently}.  it will be nice to know if the bleeding is actually my period or not, or just the residual stuff trying to work its way out.  based on the ultrasound last week, my OB doesn’t think i’ve cycled yet – i sure hope he’s right.

things have been off with my milk supply over the past 24 hours.  hard to know if it’s hormonal due to a maybe period around the corner or the funk that’s been in my uterus for the past 10 weeks {i would’ve thought the funk would’ve caused issues long before now}.  or maybe it was my mother’s visit yesterday that did me in {generally, she stresses me out}.  my pumps slowly decreased throughout the day yesterday to the point where i was barely making enough for brian’s next bottle by the evening {usually i have an extra ounce or two with each pumping}.  when i was finally able to relax before my last pump of the night, i pumped way more than i normally do.  then, my first pump this morning was on the larger side of normal – but one of my boobs had a harder time letting down.  i ended up stopping the pump, applying a warm compress to said boob, and then pumping only that boob for 10 additional minutes.  things seem to be more normal now other than my boobs are taking turns with milk production and letting down {one will produce more and spray more while the other sort of drips}.  has anyone ever experienced this phenomenon of one boob letting down and spraying more than the other?  hopefully my body will get with the program and sort this thing out.


crap week.

here it is – the long awaited birthday anniversary week.  i usually love this week and all of the extra spoiling, but this week has been crap {really i want to say $h!t}.  the only thing that’s keeping me from caving right now is my little boy.  if it weren’t for him, i’d check out on life and check myself in to a nut house.

for starters, only 2 people have remembered that my birthday is in two days.  and they are friends.  my whole family seems to have forgotten, including my husband {who called to ask if he could go to dinner with coworkers on my birthday.  seriously?  never mind how hard evenings are anyway, i don’t need extra help on my birthday.}.  i think i made enemies with a few family members after telling them how they made me feel the first two weeks of brian’s life {you know, those weeks i thought i was dying}.

next, i had my ultrasound and colposcopy today.  ultrasound showed there was still something in my uterus.  guess that was the source of my every other day bleeding last week.  d&c coming my way soon.  and maybe a LEEP procedure, because guess what, my cervix looked like hell and has a section of abnormal cells between 6 and 9 o’clock {OB’s description, not mine}.

don’t even get me started on why i have abnormal cells on my cervix.  marriage counseling is in the works.

on the baby front, poor brian got 3 vaccines today and had adverse reactions to 2, dtap and rotavirus.  there was 45 minutes of screaming as i waited for the dumb triage nurse to tell me how much tylenol to give him.  his poor thigh was all red and swollen at the injection site and me touching it made him scream.  pretty sure he got a touch of diarrhea from the rotavirus vaccine.  he cried so many tears this afternoon – real drops.  it breaks my heart to see him in pain.

last but not least, i’m exhausted.  which makes all of this ten times worse.

happy birthday to me!

happy 2 months

baby brian,

today you are 2 months old!  i said this last month, and i’ll say it again, time is flying!  before i know it you will be 2 years old, and then 22 years old.  i’m trying to soak you in and enjoy each moment as it comes, even if the moment is a fussy one or consists of crying in the middle of the night.

physically, you look about the same, only bigger and with slightly longer hair.  but you’ve hit lots of milestones this month.  you now give mommy and daddy and toys direct smiles – your favorite toy seems to be the very hungry jiggle caterpillar.  and you coo from time to time as you learn to use your voice.  recently, you’ve found your fingers and thumb, and you sometimes try to suck them.  but you aren’t very coordinated just yet, which is funny to me because you were always sucking on your hand or thumb during ultrasounds before you were born.  we stopped swaddling you at 6 weeks after you snuck your arm out of the bottom of your swaddle wrap causing the arm blanket to cover your face.  the transition took a few days, but we slowly unwrapped you one arm at a time.  recently, you slept through the night for 3 nights in a row (may 31 – june 2), but you’ve started to wake up again in the middle of the night.  one milestone from last month, rolling from tummy to back, has gone by the wayside for now.  and you look as close as ever to rolling from back to tummy, but i think your head is holding you back.

you are still a hungry guy.  you’re up to 4.5 ounces at every feeding, but daddy and I joke that you would never turn down food.  sometimes you spit up a little – it’s hard to tell if it’s from feeding you too much or your reflux.  we try to feed you every 3 hours during the day, but you often would eat every 2.5 hours if we let you.  we give you zantac twice a day and vitamin d drops once a day with feedings.  you’ve had 2 choking incidents with the vitamin d drops that scared mommy, so now the vitamin d drops get mixed in with your bottle, but you don’t seem to mind.

you still don’t like to nap in your car seat.  and recently, you haven’t napped longer than about an hour at a time during the day.  i have a theory that you want to be up observing the world and taking it all in.  that’s grandma’s theory too… apparently daddy was like that as a baby as well.  or you just want to eat :)

this month we only had one impromptu visit to the pediatrician for a blocked tear duct.  thankfully your puffy, watering little eye got better over night on its own, but we still took you to the doctor anyway.  apparently blocked tear ducts are quite common in infants.

my prayers for you are mostly the same.  i pray for you to come to know Jesus, for your character, for you to develop on track – both physically and mentally.  i pray for your health and safety, and i pray that you will save yourself for marriage and not give in to raging hormones {it’s never too early to pray for this one, and i’ll share with you why this is so important to me when the time is right}.

i love you dearly, bubby.


crazy things are happening

well, i’m 8 weeks postpartum, and bleeding still hasn’t ceased.  i had about 3 days last week with little to no blood, then on sunday bleeding returned.  but this time, it was a darker blood, almost resembling my period.  it stained one pantiliner, then took a break.  so yesterday i followed up with the OB since bleeding still hasn’t stopped and i still feel as though something is “stuck” down below.  the pelvic exam went well, but my OB ordered an ultrasound just to make sure there’s nothing hiding out in my uterus.  ultrasound will take place next week with my colposcopy.  then this morning, the dark blood is back, and there’s more of it.  if it’s not my period, i don’t know what it is, but guess i’ll know for sure in a few more days and then again in a month or so.  i feel ripped off – lactating women usually don’t see the return of their menstrual cycle for 6 months or so after delivering.  i wonder if stupid PCOS is to blame.  so much for hoping my body would “reset” after having a baby and be normal.  oh well.

in other news, the babe has slept through the night the past two nights.  sunday was such a horrible day {poopy blow out on hubby during our first visit back to church, little rifts with the hubs, bleeding again, fussy baby not sticking to my “schedule,” body image issues, and the list goes on}, by the end of the day i was convinced i was depressed.  we fed the baby much earlier than usual, and then we went to bed {me feeling very defeated}.  the next thing i know, i hear a few whimpers over the monitor, i feel like my boobs are going to explode, then i check the clock to see that it’s 4:45 am!  brian went from 9:30 pm to 5 am between feedings sunday night.  after such a horrible day on sunday, i viewed this as a glimmer of hope, but fully expected brian to revert to his old feeding schedule with an overnight feed the next day.  last night we fed him at 10 pm, and he lasted until 6:15 am this morning.  i sure hope the trend continues – it would be just in time for my birthday next week :)  he hasn’t been napping well recently, but is today, so i have no idea what to expect.  brian’s schedule change has definitely rearranged my day a little, but i’d rather get 6 hours of consecutive sleep at night and figure out the day time stuff as it comes.

in my google searching for “breastfeeding period returning PCOS”, i did run across a few sites that say when baby starts sleeping longer at night and the breasts aren’t emptied, the menstrual cycle can return.  so maybe the two are related?