i shouldn’t have worn mascara

i took brian for his first half day at daycare today.  i have been crying all day long – it began this morning just thinking about taking him to daycare, while at daycare getting him all settled in {didn’t help that he was crying}, after leaving daycare to run errands, while driving around in the process of running errands {twice}, after i got home from running errands {also twice}, and that brings me to the present.  i miss my little man.  the house is so quiet with just me here.  no sound machine running over the monitor during nap time, no baby toys with cheesy songs singing to me, no baby babble, no crying.

i go back to work on october 5th, and need us both to get adjusted before then.  i could see me not showing up to work on 10/5 if i waited until then for brian to have his first day at daycare.  my plan is to continue half days in the mornings until 10/5, maybe i’ll keep him home with me on 10/2.

anyway, the daycare “teachers” {let’s face it, they are babysitters at this age} are all so sweet.  they’ve sent me pictures throughout the afternoon – some when he should’ve been napping… but i guess he will eventually adjust.  brian and i, we’ve had our routine. i hate to shake things up, i just pray that he is still an excellent sleeper at night and that he doesn’t get too sick.

i’m counting down the minutes until it’s time to pick him up.  i hope he’s in a good enough mood to take a walk with mommy!


postpartum thyroiditis or graves’ disease 

i went to the endocrinologist yesterday.  my primary care doctor wanted to check my TSH level again in a few weeks and then refer if necessary, but i asked for a referral sooner.  i firmly believe you have to be your own advocate when it comes to healthcare.  i’m going back to work soon and wanted to deal with the thyroid mess and any further testing before i’m stretched even thinner.  plus, i just don’t feel stellar.  when i called the endocrinologist’s office, i was told the first available appointment for a new patient was october 28th… luckily they checked the cancellation list and had a spot yesterday.

the doctor i met with was nice.  she asked lots of questions, listened to me recap my recent medical history, ordered blood work and examined my thyroid, then told me what the possible problems are {my synopsis may not be 100% accurate, but i’m going to try to convey what the doctor shared with me}.  she should have a better idea after the results from the blood work are in, but i may need a thyroid scan.

1. postpartum thyroiditis.  apparently after giving birth, something in the body can attack the thyroid.  when this happens, the thyroid releases all of the stored thyroid hormone at once.  the pituitary gland recognizes all of the thyroid hormone in the bloodstream, so it does not make more TSH to tell the thyroid to make its hormone {hence the low TSH level – mine was .027}.  eventually, the thyroid hormone in the bloodstream goes away and the thyroid starts to function again.  however, when the thyroid was initially attacked, it could’ve been permanently damaged.  if this is the case, it is no longer efficient, and you are left with hypothyroidism, or an underactive thyroid.  hypothyroidism is easy to treat with medication, and you can take the medication while pregnant.

2. graves’ disease.  this is an autoimmune condition in which the body continually attacks the thyroid, resulting in an overactive thyroid.  once this happens, it doesn’t stop, and intervention is needed.  intervention can be in the form of medication, radioactive treatment, or surgery.  medication can only be used for 1-2 years, because it can have potentially serious side effects like damaging bone marrow.  there are two types of medication, one of which cannot be used during the first trimester of pregnancy.  radioactive treatment seems to be the preferred long term treatment plan – it basically destroys the thyroid, so medication for hypothyroidism becomes necessary.  once this treatment is used, the patient stays radioactive for about a year, so pregnancy is not an option during this time.  surgery would completely remove the thyroid, but this is usually only done if there is a goiter.  medication for hypothyroidism would also be necessary after surgery.

obviously, i’d prefer to have neither of these conditions.  but, since i have one, i’m praying it’s only postpartum thyroiditis and that my thyroid makes a full recovery.  constant health challenges are hard.  i truly feel like i’m at a breaking point and something has to give.  God, this is where i need You.

i’ve been having a hard time praying and reading the Bible lately because i feel abandoned.  i had a time like this during my infertility struggles, but i finally gave in and opened my bible gateway app to find a verse that ended up carrying me through my pregnancy.  i opened the app last week, and the verse below greeted me.  i hope it’s a message from God to tell me everything will be ok.


happy 5 months

baby brian,

today you are 5 months old.  i can’t believe that yet another month has come and gone.  you are my big baby!  every week you grow and change by leaps and bounds, so i can’t call you my little baby any more!  you now have 6 teeth.  the top middle two started to come in on august 13th, the lower left lateral incisor made an appearance on august 30th, and the upper left lateral incisor started to peak through on september 3rd.  you have finally started to bear weight on your legs when we hold you up (august 19th), which is a great sign for hoping the sacral dimple amounts to nothing more than a dimple.  you had your first moment of stranger anxiety when mommy and daddy took you to our sunday school pool party and mrs. donna held you (august 16th).  but honestly, it made mommy feel good – you must know who i am.  your hand-eye coordination is improving every day – you can now get most toys to your mouth, which is helpful for all of these teeth!

we’ve had some issues with feeding over the past month.  mommy’s milk turned into fat free milk and had too much lactose, so you started to get diarrhea and your weight gain slowed.  at first i thought the strange poop was due to all of the teething, but with the help of judy at your pediatrician’s office, we figured out that it was my milk.  after striving for improvement for over a week with little luck, daddy and i decided that it was best to switch to the frozen supply.  things instantly improved, and now we are feeding you half breastmilk half formula {mixed together so you don’t reject my lipase breastmilk}.  we had started rice cereal {although not much was making it to your tummy} during this time (august 10th), but we decided to hold off until we could sort out the digestive issues.  now that your tummy seems to be on the mends, we are back to trying rice cereal.  as of yesterday, you successfully ate one tablespoon of rice cereal before your mid-morning bottle.  it was pretty cute, you let the first few spoonfuls hang out in your mouth, but once you got the idea, you would kick your legs with excitement.  you are still drinking 6-6.25 oz in every bottle.

you are sleeping pretty well at night.  we’ve had a few instances of crying a couple of hours after you’ve gone to bed, probably due to pain from teething.  instead of feeding you every 3 hours, you usually have one longer nap during the day, which gives us 3.5 and 2.5 hours between some feedings.  apparently at this age, it is more important for you to get the sleep you need than it is for you to eat at even intervals.  when you nap well throughout the day, we are able to drop the last nap of the day, but sometimes you need just 20 or 30 minutes of rest because you are too fussy.

we’ve had lots of doctor visits over the past month.  we had your four month appointment and neurologist appointment, which were planned.  the neurologist said your head is shaped like a parallelogram, but he thinks it will correct.  we go back in just a few days to see if things are improving on their own or if you need a helmet.  mommy and daddy have seen some improvement, but it’s not quite round yet.  additionally, you had 3 other appointments.  two for the feeding/tummy issues and teething, and one for teething alone.  after the top two teeth came in, we didn’t think you would have any more teeth for a while, so when you were inconsoable one saturday afternoon, we thought something else was wrong.  turns out it was just more teeth.  while you are teething, you run low fevers in the 99.5-100.6 range.

you officially have a space at daycare, but mommy doesn’t go back to work until october 5th.  i’ll probably start taking you soon for half days so we can both get used to it.  i’m absolutely dreading work and daycare.  it will be a huge adjustment for us both, and mommy will certainly miss spending our days together.  mommy has been praying that the transition isn’t terrible for both of us and that you aren’t constantly sick this winter.

i love you millions, baby buddy.  i can’t help but to kiss your cheeks hundreds of times each day.  you are my favorite baby boy.



if it’s not one thing, it’s another

i heard this phrase from my mother a lot while growing up.  it was almost her motto, and now it’s becoming mine.

stop reading if you don’t want to hear about every problem i’ve ever had since the age of 19.

it started with heart issues – an accessory pathway requiring two surgeries.  then tummy troubles for 4 years.  then a fractured foot {twice}.  then a septate uterus.  then PCOS.  then an ectopic pregnancy and miscarriage.  then 3 failed fertility treatment cycles before finally getting pregnant.  but then a high risk and scary pregnancy with cervical changes that still haven’t corrected.  then postpartum bleeding for 7 weeks longer than usual requiring a d&c.  then my tummy issue again.  then breastmilk supply issues.  and now, an extremely overactive thyroid.  WTH?!?!  i need a break before i lose my damn mind.

seems the breastmilk issues can be linked to the overactive thyroid, so i’m glad to know there’s an explanation for my crappy milk.  and seems like my tummy struggles and difficulty sleeping immediately postpartum can also be pointed to the overactive thyroid.  i do question whether this issue started while i was pregnant since i really only gained the weight of brian, his placenta, fluid, etc.  no real fat weight gain.  according to dr. google, it is also possible that my thyroid became overactive postpartum as sometimes your thyroid can swing the other way after being suppressed during pregnancy.  either way, i’ve got a hot mess on my hands. 

at this point, my doctor wants to wait another month and repeat the blood work as sometimes thyroids become overactive before switching to being underactive {both my father and paternal grandmother have hypothyroidism, so this wouldn’t really surprise me}.  if my thyroid is still whacked out, my doctor will send me to an endocrinologist.

to say that i’m frustrated would be an understatement.  i’m just ready for some normalcy.  maybe this is normal and i should be thankful that i’m not dealing with something more serious.