parting with perfection

here we go, another therapy post.

perfectionist.  type a.  call it what you want, that’s me.  there are good things about this personality type like being hard-working, detail oriented, dedicated, you get the picture.  there are bad things about this personality type like being so concerned that it borders obsessive, having a hard time letting go of injustices, having a hard time forgiving, refusing to accept problems, and the like.

pre-mom amber was punctual, scheduled, followed through on most commitments.  no surprise here, but mommy amber is much the same – i love me some baby scheduling.  i would say that i do seem to know my limits a little better and don’t have a hard time saying no these days, a modest improvement from my child-free life.  one thing that hasn’t changed is the inability to let go when something doesn’t seem right.

before i was pregnant, if someone were to tell me life would not be bliss after having brian, i know i would’ve assured them that it was ok.  i would be ok.  that small problems like postpartum thyroiditis, psoriasis on my face, cervical changes, loosing {what seems to be} half of my hair – they would all be worth it.  but since i wasn’t warned, i feel ripped off.

life hasn’t been perfect for some time, or ever really.  i get it, that’s life.  there are good days and bad.  the bad can be infertility, rifts with the husband, postpartum issues, or really it could be worse.  

is the worst thing that could happen postpartum thyroiditis?  no.  is the worst thing that can happen a rash on my face?  no.  is the worst thing that can happen cervical changes?  no.  is the worst thing that can happen loosing my hair?  no.  the answer is no.  i will keep telling myself this until i truly believe it and stop dwelling on the things i wish i could change.  so here goes my quest to part with perfection.

happy 6 months

baby brian,

how am i already writing this?  how are you 6 months old?  i want to freeze time and keep you my little baby for a little while longer.  every night before bed, i look at pictures of you from the day and sometimes go all the way back to your newborn photos… i can’t believe how much you’ve changed from just a few months ago.  but growing up is good.  and growing up is what you are doing!  this month you found your feet (september 14th).  you can even get them to your mouth, because everything must go to your mouth!  two more teeth also came in – the upper and lower right lateral incisors (september 22nd).  i think you really want to crawl, but you just can’t figure it out yet.  instead, you put your arms out to the side and flail and kick… daddy calls this your supermans!  it’s funny because when you are wiggling around in your crib, you know to tuck your legs up under your butt, you just don’t know that this is necessary to crawl too.  physically, you are a bit chunkier at about 17 pounds and your hair is starting to come in more.  as much as i hoped you would have beautiful dark hair, it seems to be on the lighter side of brown (although still beautiful).  you look more like mommy and my side of the the family everyday. 

you are still drinking 6 oz in each bottle, 5 times a day.  we also feed you veggies first thing in the morning and at your next to last feeding for “dinner.”  so far you’ve had carrots, squash, sweet potatoes, green beans, and peas.  i don’t really think you have a favorite, you did make some funny faces when you first tried carrots.  we used to give you rice cereal, but it was constipating you even with prune juice mixed in, so your doctor told me to just stick with fruits and veggies.  after one more day of peas, we will work our way through the fruits.  your reflux seems to be worse than ever, so i’d rather not stuff you full of solids anyway.

you still love baths – you kick and splash the whole time you’re in your little tub! and you love tummy time, but it aggravates your reflux.  you also like to be outside.

you are sleeping 11 hours at night still, but we will see if daycare changes that for us.  you have been napping 3 times a day, but daycare will probably change that for us too… you only slept for 50 minutes total during your first full day.  even before daycare, you could use that fourth nap some nights, but you won’t take it anymore… no matter how tired you are.  instead, you just fuss at mommy and daddy.  the evenings are rough, but i remind myself that there will come a time when you won’t want us to hold you and entertain you, and i will miss it.  so even if you are a bit fussy, i’ll take it!

going back to daycare, you have been two full day now.  mommy took you for two half days a couple of weeks ago, and that was enough to give you your first cold.  call me soft, i kept you home the next week so you could recover and be well for your dedication at church (september 27th).  the following week we visited pop pop and gigi for a couple of days, so i kept you home too.  you did great at pop pop and gigi’s house.  you had your first nights away from home (september 29th and 30th) and night without us (september 30th).  pop pop and gigi have a little dog, which you didn’t seem to mind either.

your dedication was a beautiful and special event.  so many of our family and friends were there to watch mommy and daddy commit to raise you in a Christian home.  our church’s children minister read the verse we chose for you.  it is such a special verse, it carried me through waiting for you to be in mommy’s belly and waiting for you to arrive in this world.  this verse reminds me that even on the scariest and worst of days, God is the mightiest.  i pray that one day you will know this truth too and surrender your life to Him, because as much as i wish this won’t be true for you, there will be hard days.  here is the verse: ah, Lord God! behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. there is nothing too hard for You. {Jeremiah 32:17}

as far as doctor visits go, we had two follow ups for your misshapen head.  after the first visit, the doctor suggested we wait one more month to see if it evens, but it hasn’t really.  i thought today they would recommend a helmet, but the doctor said no!  your poor little ears are even crooked… mommy and daddy don’t want you to be self conscious about that, so we may end up self referring anyway.  i also took you to the doctor for your spitting up. it is kind of out of control.  it’s definitely worse with formula and solids, but they are harder to digest.  now you’re more mobile, and it seems as though you are just jiggling the contents of your little belly too much.  the doctor said there’s not much we can do besides get more burp cloths.  we’re praying things improve soon!

i pray for you every day, little love.  i pray that God is preparing your heart to accept Him.  i pray for your health and safety.  i pray for the resources and wisdom to raise you.  i pray for your head and reflux and dimple.  i pray that you will get adjusted to daycare and eventually nap.  

i love you millions and millions!

mommy

postpartum thyroiditis 

after 2 rounds of blood work and a radioactive thyroid uptake and scan, the results are in… postpartum thyroiditis it is.  at this point, my TSH is almost nonexistent, free T4 level is elevated, and my thyroid absorbed .5% of the radioactive iodine {10-30% is normal}.  my doctor did note that the scan picked up some activity outside of the thyroid on the left side, and she’s not sure what this could be, so she is going to check with the radiologist.  depending on what the radiologist comes back with, she may order an ultrasound of the area.

regardless, her diagnosis is postpartum thyroiditis.  she believes my thyroid to be permanently damaged based on the low iodine absorption level, and expects me to end up with an underactive thyroid.  she’s not sure when – it seems like it could be weeks or even months.  i have been having an extremely hard time sleeping lately, presumably from the overactive thyroid, which we discussed.  she could temporarily medicate for the overactive thyroid until it switches to being underactive.  i’d rather not be on a roller coaster ride with my thyroid hormone levels, but may consent if  things don’t start making their way to being hypo soon.  i go for blood work at the end of next week, and then we will go from there.

i’d rather not have any issue at all, but i am relieved that it seems to be postpartum thyroiditis and not graves’.  i would end up in the same place long term with hypothyroidism, but graves’ would involve the extra step of killing my thyroid.  

i was reading some of my oldest blog posts last night and was inspired by myself.  i used to be strong, and i used to have an unwavering faith.  recently, my circumstances have brought me down.  there has just been a lot and i’m physically and emotionally exhausted.  but this is life.  this is my journey.  there is still a story to tell.  i can get through this with Jesus, just like i got through {in}fertility.  Jesus calling is one of my favorite devotions.  the devotion for october 1st reminded me that Jesus can help.  i love this verse and am holding on to it for now:

come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest {Matthew 11:28}