there is still a sting

here i am, a mom.  i have a beautiful 8 month old baby boy.  the first few months of his life, i felt very content.  content with him, content with being a family of three, content that i am finally a mommy.  this contentment gave me a false sense of security.  security that i can dabble in social media again and that i can handle it.  after all, i’m free from that deep, never fading ache to be a mom.  and for the most part, i can handle it.  i can handle the multitudes of pregnancy announcements and endless pictures of other people’s kiddos.  but occasionally, there is that one announcement that gets me.  the one that seems to say “getting pregnant with this baby was effortless, and all is right.”  or the post that jokes about the morning sickness and how terrible it is when any infertile woman would take that badge and wear it with honor.  or this one, this one is really good: the lady that struggled with “infertility,” but finds herself pregnant with zero fertility treatments.  why do i even let my mind go to thoughts like “that is not infertility.  infertility is a septate uterus, PCOS, ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, 3 failed cycles, IVF, and a FET?”

i wish it weren’t this way, but sometimes i get agitated on the inside.  the deep pain doesn’t burn anymore, but instead there is this tiny sting.  this sting that taunts me as if to point out that i will never be able to do this on my own because my body isn’t good enough.  then i have to remind myself that i don’t know the full story – maybe it was easy, but maybe it was harder than i know.  and maybe she is fertile as fertile can be, but there is some other great struggle.  everyone has something.  it’s called life.  this is where i have to accept my scars and count my blessings.

happy 8 months

baby brian,

today you are 8 months old, little love!  how is this possible?  you are turning into such a big boy, and mommy thinks a sweet boy too.  while you’re not crawling, you’re mobile in your own way – you roll to where you want to go!  and you can pivot on your belly by putting your hands to a new location and moving that way.  you can sit up now (november 16th)!  you have always been a foot kicker, and you even move your legs back and forth while sitting up… now that takes skill!  while laying down, you’ve started this thing where you lift both of your legs in a 90 degree angle and slam them down at the same time.  not sure where that came from, but you clearly have strong abdominal muscles.  daddy and i practice “mama” and “dada” with you everyday, but your baby babble is still mostly squeals.  you’re really good at imitating noises – a fake cough, clicking, and your own version of the kissy sound.  the other day daddy was fake coughing and you were giggling so hard, then you stopped to fake cough too.  it was pretty cute.

regarding your eating and napping schedule, we moved you to 4 feedings a day (starting november 25th), which means you get 2 naps a day now.  you’re doing really well with the new food schedule, naps are hit or miss, but they were before anyway.  you usually have one good 2 hour nap now and another 1 to 1.5 hour nap.  we are feeding you solids 3 times a day with bigger servings, along with a 6 oz bottle and another bottle before bed.  we’ve also tried introducing dissolvable food that you can practice chewing with (gerber puffs and baby mum mum crackers) – you can bite them just fine, but often gag once they sit back on your tounge.  eventually you’ll get the hang of it!  and we’ve given you a training sippy cup with water a few times.  you can suck from it, but don’t hold it up well to actually get the water out.  we should really be more consistent with practicing, we’ll continue to work on that over the next month.

nighttime sleep has been off lately.  you’re usually such a great sleeper, but the past few weeks you’ve been waking up and crying.  you recently got your cranial band, and at first mommy suspected that was to blame.  but during a break from it, you cried and cried instead of napping one afternoon.  mommy suapects that it’s more teeth and can see the outline of at least one tooth making its way down your gum line on top, but it hasn’t broken the gum line yet.

before i depart from the subject of sleep, i want to note that we had to add a breathable bumper to your crib after several instances of you spending awake time chewing on the crib slats.  you removed paint and wood, and you even cut your little lip.  ni ni said she thought we were getting a baby, not a puppy!  again, teething is probably to blame, but the mesh bumper seems to be deterring you.

as for cranial bands, we finally got your DOC band… but unfortunately it didn’t fit well.  it was slipping down into your eyes, so we took it to get adjusted.  then it just slipped worse and so bad that it was in your line of sight.  the company we are working with remade your band.  the second one still slips, but not as bad.  when we first got this band, it was leaving some pretty yucky red spots on your forehead, you even had a few places bleed.  so you were in and out of the band for about two weeks before we finally got it right, and that made the adjustment for you difficult.  we think it’s good now though.  mommy took it to get painted so it looks a little better.  it’s silver with a carolina panther on it, stripes, the number 15 since you were born in 2015, your initials, and the panther’s unofficial slogan “keep pounding.”  it’s pretty cute and pretty appropriate since the panthers are 11-0 so far this season. 

in addition to the several cranial band appointments, you had one “sick” appointment for being fussy and not sleeping well.  turns out there was nothing wrong with you, so the doctor said you have separation anxiety.  grandma and i think that’s a diagnose for “i’m not quite sure what’s wrong with this baby.”  you really don’t have much separation or stranger anxiety at the moment, it was definitely worse around 4-5 months.  you also had your second flu shot.

we are done with daycare!!  yippee!!  we have a part nanny, really your auntie jordan, and grandma fills in the gaps.  we are all much happier and healthier!

of course mommy prays for you every day.  i always pray that you continue to grow and develop on track, both mentally and physically, that your sacral dimple doesn’t cause issues, that your reflux improves, that your head rounds out.  i pray that you will come to know and love the Lord, and that you will act with wisdom.

i love you so much, brian.  you are my favorite baby, and i am so thankful God chose me to be your mom.

love,

mommy