health updates

hypothyroidism… the pendulum has swung and my TSH is now double the normal range, almost 8x what my historical levels were… and free t4 is low.  synthroid it is… probably for the rest of my life.  could be worse, but definitely adds another layer of complexity for future pregnancies.

never wrote about this one, but started getting random joint pain a couple of weeks after i went back to work (at the same time i had another psoriasis flare on my face).  at first it was mainly my wrists, which i attributed to using the keyboard for 8 hours a day after a 6 month break.  then my knees started hurting, then finger joints.  i spoke to my primary care, who was concerned that it could be psoriatic arthritis.  she ran some blood tests, most of which came back normal, although i am vitamin d deficient.  she referred me to a rheumatologist anyway, as blood work usually appears normal in psoriatic arthritis.  at first look, the rheumatologist thinks this is all related to my immune system going haywire postpartum (that’s what postpartum thyroiditis is caused by). he did order some additional tests to check for joint inflammation, i should get the results later this week.  he also put me on an anti inflammatory drug to see if it helped with the pain.  it did, but then i stopped taking it after a few days because i was taking every OTC medication under the sun for a cold, started synthroid, started an antibiotic, and drum roll please… started birth control again.  so, because the NSAID helped, i fear the worst that there is real inflammation.

on to the next thing, finally got a normal pap smear after over a year of abnormal results with cell changes due to high risk HPV {thank you, husband – still not completely over this one yet}.  although, i’m not holding my breath as i will have HPV for life and it could show up again at any point unannounced.  you know what’s so messed up about this situation {besides me making the right decisions and dealing with the consequences of husband’s poor decisions}?  i got the gardisil shot in high school.  apparently it does not cover all strains of high risk HPV.  abstinence is the only thing that will do people, and you better believe i’m preaching this to my offspring.  i think another reason i’m having such a hard time getting over this one is that i could’ve made different choices too.  i knew some came before, but didn’t think it was a big deal.  wrong, it is a big deal.  it is a big deal because i have yet another health problem to deal with.  life is messy.  it just is.  prime example of my ever growing need to part with perfection.  and to forgive.  why is it hardest to forgive the ones you’re closest too?  including yourself?

moving on, i went to see my RE thinking i would need metformon again since i have a history of PCOS.  and guess what, apparently research shows that it’s only really beneficial for ladies with PCOS that are overweight and boarderline diabetic, which so far is not me {i’ve learned to never say never}.  we discussed the goal of future FET(s) and decided it was best for me to resume taking birth control so that my body will be at baseline when we’re ready to move forward.  i have mixed emotions about this… after all that we’ve been through, it just seems wrong to prevent pregnancy.  however, i truly feel that God gave us the number of embryos we have for a reason and i do not want to waste them.  and to be honest, i don’t want to even think about having another ectopic pregnancy experience.  3 months of being fake pregnant and methotrexate to shut it all down, not fun.  further, the odds are against us for natural conception – even if my PCOS were magically cured, the husband has pretty terrible swimmers {a result of HPV?  kidding.  but really, he should have some sort of consequence}.  {also, if you know me in real life, i kindly ask you not to broadcast this whole HPV thing to the world, or anyone really.}

oh, i almost forgot the best detail yet about this appointment with my RE.  i stopped breastfeeding 2 months ago, but still hadn’t started my period.  until the evening before my appointment with my RE, same day i had the repeat pap actually.  my OB was a bit concerned and told me that if i didn’t start by january, to give him a call.  life has a funny way of organizing events sometimes.  oh, and the first period after you’re done breastfeeding, it’s no joke.

so back to doctor appointments.  daycare is rough.  especially the daycare germs.  they are super germs that don’t give up until they’ve got you pinned.  brian got a cold, turned double ear infection.  husband caught he cold next, but eventually got over it.  i thought i was going to sneak by.  false.  it got me, and it got me good.  it turned to a sinus infection, and i’m pretty sure the worst sinus infection i’ve had to date.  my primary care was off the day i felt the sickest, so i got luck of the draw at the doctor office.  the man i saw is an idiot.  he said “you just have a cold and giving you an antibiotic would be like killing a fly with a machine gun.”  he wrote a prescription for an antibiotic anyway, but told me not to fill it unless things got worse and lasted several more days.  so after two days of having a fever and feeling like crap, i decided to fill the antibiotic.  i made the right choice, because i kid you not, the biggest most disgusting ball of mucus i have ever seen managed to exit my right nostril about 30 minutes after i got back from the pharmacy.  it was green, streaked with blood, firm in the middle, and the size of a quarter in diameter.  so i started taking the antibiotic, until a family member tipped me off that this antibiotic wasn’t strong enough for a sinus infection.   after two days of taking it with no improvement other than the fever going away, i practically had to beg my primary care to switch the antibiotic.  she finally agreed, and it has literally taken an additional 4 days to feel human again.  everything that comes out of my face is green.  with that, i will just reiterate that daycare germs are super germs.

i’m sure the world wide web isn’t all that concerned with what’s going on with my health, but on the off chance that someone is, there you have it, folks.

my little love

if you haven’t noticed, i don’t post pictures of brian on the blog.  just not my thing, took me long enough to post pictures of myself.  anyway, we recently had brian’s 6 month photos taken, and there is one i can actually share… a picture of his sweet little toes :)

i shouldn’t have worn mascara

i took brian for his first half day at daycare today.  i have been crying all day long – it began this morning just thinking about taking him to daycare, while at daycare getting him all settled in {didn’t help that he was crying}, after leaving daycare to run errands, while driving around in the process of running errands {twice}, after i got home from running errands {also twice}, and that brings me to the present.  i miss my little man.  the house is so quiet with just me here.  no sound machine running over the monitor during nap time, no baby toys with cheesy songs singing to me, no baby babble, no crying.

i go back to work on october 5th, and need us both to get adjusted before then.  i could see me not showing up to work on 10/5 if i waited until then for brian to have his first day at daycare.  my plan is to continue half days in the mornings until 10/5, maybe i’ll keep him home with me on 10/2.

anyway, the daycare “teachers” {let’s face it, they are babysitters at this age} are all so sweet.  they’ve sent me pictures throughout the afternoon – some when he should’ve been napping… but i guess he will eventually adjust.  brian and i, we’ve had our routine. i hate to shake things up, i just pray that he is still an excellent sleeper at night and that he doesn’t get too sick.

i’m counting down the minutes until it’s time to pick him up.  i hope he’s in a good enough mood to take a walk with mommy!

what they see vs. reality

well, it’s happened again.  my mother has wiggled her way in to break down instead of build up.  apparently i’m not spending enough time with my sister-in-law and nephew.  i also get the judgement from my grandmother who is always trying to organize lunches an hour away from my house and expecting me to attend.

this is what they and the world see… my best foot forward, my happy moments.  the pictures of happy brian or progress on house decorating that i choose to share.

this is what is really going on… a mom who can barely keep the wheels on the bus.  she is tired.  she exclusively pumps and makes too much milk, so she never sleeps longer than 6-7 hours {that’s if her boobs don’t wake her up at 4 am}.  she wakes up at 5:45 am to pump, even on weekends.  she freezes extra milk from the day before after waiting the proper amount of time for the fat to melt off the top of the bottle because she knows you can’t shake breastmilk.  she feeds herself and tries to ready herself for the day ahead through quiet time and prayer.  her husband leaves at 6:45 am, so the three hour baby schedule is almost completely up to her until 7 pm {and she fits in pumping}.  she tries to exercise for her {showers follow only when her baby naps, of course}.  she keeps up with the dishes and laundry and tries to keep up with the other chores.  she is on her feet until 10 pm after her last pump of the day.  aside from the day to day, she deals with disappointment in her marriage and tries to mend it with weekly counseling.  until recently, she had almost weekly doctor appointments due to bleeding for 13 weeks postpartum.  there’s also the normal doctor appointments that need to be taken care of, that usually don’t {except for weekly allergy shots}.  this week she is trying to comfort a fussy baby who is teething {again}, who has diarrhea because his mom can’t produce a normal quantity of milk and he gets too much foremilk, and who has had fevers off and on since sunday.  she is also focused on decorating the house and getting home things done before she goes back to work in a few short weeks.  she deals with the medical bills and chasing down the money she has overpaid to several doctor offices.  she calls the power company because for some reason her power goes out way more than it should.  in between all of the must dos, she takes an hour for her to work on her son’s scrapbook or maybe to meet a friend for lunch.  she is certainly not sitting in front of the tv and eating cupcakes all day.

this is not a pity post.  i do not want anyone to feel bad for me… i just want them to understand that i’m doing my best.  i’ve made sacrifices in some areas in order to take care of my son, myself, and our household.  forgive me if i’m not meeting your expectations.  my maternity leave is for me, not anyone else.

at the end of the day, we are all just doing the best we can.  we get into trouble when we start passing judgement and imposing our expectations on others.  it took me a while, but i eventually got it.  i hope my family gets it one day too.

things i never thought i’d do {until i became a mom}

go out in public with no makeup.  one word – yikes.  i’m pretty sure makeup was invented for me.

similarly, not care one bit what my hair looks like.  99% of the time it’s in a pony.

be ok wearing the slight stench of BO instead of my marc jacobs “eau de parfum.”  if it’s slight, it’s unlikely that people at a normal distance can smell, right?

live in running shorts and t-shirts.  t-shirts stained with baby drool, baby spit up, the food i spilled on myself, and who knows what else.  i don’t even care what’s on the shirt, i will go almost anywhere dressed like that.  i think i surprised the furniture sales associate in crate and barrel when i dropped a few hundred dollars on some side tables after walking in wearing my typical mommy attire {there may have been no makeup and pony tail hair too}.  when we began finalizing the transaction, she complimented my engagement and wedding rings {probably the only thing complimentary about me at that moment}.

wear cabbage in my bra outside of the house. in addition to BO, i may smell like cole slaw.  lactation issues… that is all.  momma’s gotta do what a momma’s gotta do to spare the boobs.

i’m sure this list will continue to grow.  i guess you can say my priorities are shifting.  hats off to those moms that take care of their kiddos, take care of themselves, and take care of the house.  it is all hard work!

crap week.

here it is – the long awaited birthday anniversary week.  i usually love this week and all of the extra spoiling, but this week has been crap {really i want to say $h!t}.  the only thing that’s keeping me from caving right now is my little boy.  if it weren’t for him, i’d check out on life and check myself in to a nut house.

for starters, only 2 people have remembered that my birthday is in two days.  and they are friends.  my whole family seems to have forgotten, including my husband {who called to ask if he could go to dinner with coworkers on my birthday.  seriously?  never mind how hard evenings are anyway, i don’t need extra help on my birthday.}.  i think i made enemies with a few family members after telling them how they made me feel the first two weeks of brian’s life {you know, those weeks i thought i was dying}.

next, i had my ultrasound and colposcopy today.  ultrasound showed there was still something in my uterus.  guess that was the source of my every other day bleeding last week.  d&c coming my way soon.  and maybe a LEEP procedure, because guess what, my cervix looked like hell and has a section of abnormal cells between 6 and 9 o’clock {OB’s description, not mine}.

don’t even get me started on why i have abnormal cells on my cervix.  marriage counseling is in the works.

on the baby front, poor brian got 3 vaccines today and had adverse reactions to 2, dtap and rotavirus.  there was 45 minutes of screaming as i waited for the dumb triage nurse to tell me how much tylenol to give him.  his poor thigh was all red and swollen at the injection site and me touching it made him scream.  pretty sure he got a touch of diarrhea from the rotavirus vaccine.  he cried so many tears this afternoon – real drops.  it breaks my heart to see him in pain.

last but not least, i’m exhausted.  which makes all of this ten times worse.

happy birthday to me!

baby brian

baby brian arrived on monday, april 6th at 8:38 pm.  he weighed 7 lb 2 oz and was 20 in long {thank you Jesus that low papp-a turned out not to be an issue for us}.  we think he looks like hubby, and he’s absolutely precious.  it’s hard to believe he’s ours.  he does have a sacral dimple, which could impact his leg development {crawling, walking}, but for now all we can do is pray and continue our faith journey.

there’s so much i want to write about… my labor, his birth, and his first few weeks of life.  time seems to be limited now, so i’m sure this post will be in draft mode for a while {maybe i’ll get to finish it up during all of the frequent feedings}.


let’s start with labor

we arrived at the hospital at 7 pm on Easter sunday {when i was 38 weeks 6 days pregnant}.  i needed cervidil to help further soften the cervix as the most progress i made on my own in that department was 85% effaced, 1.5 cm dilated, and -2 fetal station.  baby brian appeared to be quite comfy in there because at 37 weeks i was 70% effaced, 1cm dilated, and -2 fetal station.  sunday was the easy part.  the doctor on call inserted a “tampon” like device containing this medicine right up against my cervix.  i had to lay for 2 hours as the medicine started to take effect {kind of a challenge for a full-term pregnant lady who pees a lot}.  after my two hours were up {around 11 pm}, i got up to pee and get ready for bed.  then i received a sleeping pill that was horribly ineffective at putting me to sleep.  i asked the sweet nurse what we could do about that, and she recommended adding a pain med she was authorized to give me.  that one definitely helped with sleep, but i needed two doses to make it through the night.

the next morning, the nurse removed the cervix softening medicine, unhooked me from the fetal monitors, and let me get up to shower.  then it was time for pitocin.

the same doctor on call checked me the next morning and i was either 2-2.5 cm dilated {can’t remember}.  she was ready to break my water, but i panicked {i counted on progressing a bit more and having the epidural so i didn’t feel a thing}.  by that time, it was shift change time and i learned that my OB was on call that day and should get to deliver brian!  he was supposed to be on vacation, but was sick the previous week and apparently took someone else’s shift to repay them for covering for him.  this obviously worked out very well for me, so i wasn’t complaining.

i saw my doctor briefly, but then he got whisked away to a c-section.  both doctors left orders that i could have an epidural whenever i wanted {guess they weren’t concerned about slowing down labor since they could just kick up my dose of pitocin}.  i decided i was ready for it, but had to wait for the anesthesiologist to finish the c-section and start one other person’s epidural.

eventually it was my turn.  i expected that inserting the epidural would hurt, but it was a breeze.  the anesthesiologist was a woman who had two epidurals before, so it was great to have her talk me through the process.  and thankfully my epidural was perfect.  i could feel the tightening of my uterus with contractions, pressure when it was time to push, but no pain.  the only real side effect i experienced was that my legs were super warm to the touch.

a bit later my doctor stopped by to break my water.  all i have to say is gross.  there sure was a lot of amniotic fluid.  and it kept dribbling out until i gave birth.

from that point i would get occasional cervix checks between naps.  the rest was definitely a good idea since delivery and the first week of a baby’s life are no joke.  i did snack on ice chips and an orange popsicle before things got super serious.  the closer i got to pushing, i started getting the body shakes.  apparently that is normal.

of course my family was blowing up our phones as i labored all day.  they wanted very detailed updates, but hubby did a good job of sticking to sharing the minimum amount of info possible.  at one point my dad offered to “relieve” hubby and come sit with me.  what part about the fact that i’m naked under a hospital gown, leaking amniotic fluid, in labor, getting a hand stuffed inside my lady parts every so often and not wanting anyone other than hubby around do they not understand?  leave me alone people!!

the last thing i’ll say about labor was that the day time nurse the day i was induced was terrible.  and i had to deal with her from 7 am to 7 pm.  i had to remind her when it was time for medicine {seriously, who is the nurse?}.  my IV alarm went off several times and it took her forever to show up to fix it.  really, it took her forever to do anything.  one time i heard the baby’s heart rate dip after a contraction.  she was in the room so i asked her if she heard it too.  she replied with the typical “it’s common for the baby’s heart rate to drop during a contraction” response, to which I played dumb and replied “was that during a contraction?” {knowing that it wasn’t}.  she then decided i should change positions in bed.  it was her first day back from maternity leave with twins, so i’m sure she was distracted, but she was really awful.


delivery

my doctor checked me maybe around 6:30 pm.  i made significant progress, but his instructions were to let me “labor down” and get through shift change at 7 pm {part of me would like to think he knew how terrible that crappy l&d nurse was and he didn’t want to deal with her either}.  however, the constant pressure and urge to push kicked in a few minutes before 7 pm.  i called the bad nurse to my room and she talked me through how pushing should go.  we may have done a practice push or two, it’s all kind of a blur now.  the heart rate dropping incident happened right around this time and i lost it.  i didn’t trust her one bit and needed a second set of eyes on the situation.  luckily a good friend who works in postpartum was just finishing up her shift.  i texted her and told her i was about to lose my stuff and needed a good nurse.  she was so sweet and came over right away, stayed for a few pushes, and ended up staying for the delivery {it sure was nice to have another helper holding a leg}.

anyway, after shift change, the sweetest l&d nurse i could possibly imagine came in.  we started pushing more seriously around 7:15 pm.  my doctor wasn’t in the room yet, but apparently they don’t come in until right before the baby is going to pop out.  i had several good pushes, everyone could see hair!  but i did the typical ‘now you see him, now you don’t’ thing with my first few pushes.

eventually my doctor stopped by to check on my progress and watch a few pushes.  he ended up staying and helping coach through delivery.  i’ve said it before, but my OB is seriously the nicest and most patient doctor on the planet.  i’m so thankful he was there to deliver brian.

after pushing for about an hour and twenty minutes total, baby brian entered the world!  when the doctor held him up and put him on my chest, hubby and i were shocked at how big he was!  he then proceeded to wail for literally two hours as we did skin to skin and tried to get him to nurse, all while the doctor was delivering the placenta and stitching me up {somehow i managed to only land a 1st degree tear}.  finally a lactation consultant came in the room – she tried latching brian and spent what felt like an eternity talking about skin to skin and everything under the sun.  i finally lost it.  as my baby was screaming, my tears just started flowing.  i was exhausted and felt utterly helpless at being a mom.  at that point i think the lactation consultant finally got it – she just needed to feed my baby.  so she spent probably the next hour hand expressing colostrum into a medicine cup and feeding it back to brian with a feeding spoon.  not what i pictured his first feeding to look like.

brian then got his footprints made, weighed, and received his first bath while my l&d nurse helped me get up to pee and clean up.



postpartum

we finally got to our postpartum room around 12:30 am following delivery.  our sweet night nurse did a quick check of me and baby, then my parents {who had been camping out in the waiting room for quite some time} came to meet the baby.

my good friend works in postpartum and set us up with an awesome room with a view of uptown {where we used to live} and great nurses.  but the next day and a half are a blur in my memory.  every single muscle in my body hurt from delivering {back, abdomen, neck, arms, calves – you name it}.  i don’t think i slept more than 4-5 hours total while at the hospital.  there was always someone in and out of the room – doctors, nurses, lactation, housekeeping, nutrition, birth certificate, financial, photographer, etc.  after breakfast on the first day in postpartum i lost my appetite – it was a struggle to eat anything, and it stayed like that for the next 5-6 days.

feedings continued to be an issue for brian.  latching was hard {impossible without a nipple shield}, and i was instructed to pump and feeback after every nursing session to further stimulate my breasts since i have PCOS, which can sometimes cause an issue with milk supply.  i was frustrated, but lactation and our nurses kept encouraging us to put brian to breast.  he was peeing and pooping, so he must be getting something.

eventually we were discharged for the fun to continue at home.


life at home

the first week was rough.  i seriously thought my body was going to quit on me.  as i mentioned before, i couldn’t eat or sleep, and i was still so sore.  on top of it, brian was starving and feedings continued to be a challenge.  the first night home, he wanted to be attached to my boob for literally 3 hours.  my milk still hadn’t come in, and for my sanity we resorted to formula.  we went to the pediatrician the next day and discovered his tongue needed to be clipped, which is likely why he had a hard time latching.  he lost 9% of his birth weight at that point, jaundice was getting worse, and he was dehydrated {as evidenced by red crystals in his diapers}.  we all decided it was best for me to pump, feed back whatever i got, and then supplement with formula until my supply was established.

i’m happy to report that mother’s milk tea helped with supply, so now brian is drinking all breastmilk.  but i’m still pumping.  i had an outpatient appointment with the lactation consultants at the hospital where i delivered, and they wanted me to latch first, then pump, then feed back the remainder.  that took feeding times from 30-45 minutes to 1.5 hours+ and i quickly decided that’s not for me.  i know that eventually  he won’t eat every 3 hours, so i won’t be connected to my pump all day long.  we still had his frenulum clipped as it can impact speech development, which would require general anesthesia later vs. a quick clip now.

sleep has improved greatly, although i still wish there was more of it.  hubby is back at work, so daytime naps are impossible as i’m always either pumping or feeding or cleaning bottles or doing laundry.

seems as though i’ve developed mastitis today, so that’s lovely.  really, i feel horrible – sore boob, red boob, fever, the whole 9 yards.  my OB prescribed an antibiotic, and i’m praying it works quickly.



family

what made the first week even harder is that my mom and dad would not leave me alone.  i got constant texts {most of which i didn’t reply to – heck i didn’t reply to anyone} and requests for them to come visit with more family members {which i had to turn down}.  no one seemed to understand that i literally felt like i was going to pass out all day long – no sleep, no food, and wacky prescription drugs will do that to a person.  they all thought i was crazy i’m sure, but i really couldn’t take care of myself, so didn’t want to deal with anyone else.

well, that was quite the lengthy update.  who knows how long it will be before i blog again.  thank you to all who have provided support throughout my {in}fertility journey.  and thank you Lord, for my beautiful baby boy.

i can’t even come up with a good title. oh, maybe ‘help!’

here’s my disclaimer, this post is going to be a therapy session for me {if you’ve been reading for any length of time, you know that i can’t find a decent counselor to counsel}.  i almost decided not to post this, but recently got a little stirred up again {about another family thing – a different post for a different day}, so decided to.  feel free to skip or provide advice.

thought 1: my family is insane, part 1 – communication

sister-in-law had been pending delivery for about a month.  after 3 prior admittances, the 4th time was finally a charm, and my first nephew was born weighing in at 9 lbs, 1 oz a couple of weeks ago.  so happy for them, but watching my parents and extended family behave throughout this process has kind of upset me and the hubs.  each time labor began, my dad would start a group text to send updates {or lack thereof}.  one time my mom started emailing me too {parents are divorced so i hear everything twice}.  once it was the real deal, i received very graphic updates like “sister-in-law is 8 cm dilated and the doctor can feel the head with his finger.”  even after the baby arrived, i was informed of his circumcision.  oh, and did i mention the picture i received of my sister-in-law looking a sweaty mess during {what i presume to be} her first skin to skin time with the baby?  while my bro and his wife didn’t seem to mind this behavior, it has me a bit frustrated.  how much of my labor progress is going to be spammed out for all to hear?  and what kind of photos does my family plan on snapping to share?

continuing on the communication front, news travels fast.  after our ultrasound with the high risk doctor where we learned that little boy is head down, i exchanged a few text messages with my paternal grandmother.  she inquired about the baby’s position, so i gave her an update.  that night while sister-in-law is in labor, i get a text from my mom that says “i know you are sleeping but your dad just told me that brian turned head down!! that’s awesome!!”  so looks like grandma told dad and dad told mom.  news certainly travels fast.  i don’t care that my parents know this information, it’s just frustrating that it doesn’t come from me and that it spreads in about 12 hours.

thought 2: my family is insane, part 2 – the hospital

so, turns out that at least my parents camped out in the waiting room over night as they waited for their first grandchild.  my dad lives 1.5 hours away, so maybe i can see his thought process.  but my mom lives 20 minutes from the hospital.  i guess she didn’t think she’d make it in time?  when i face timed with my brother that evening {14 hours after the baby’s birth and 24 hours from my sister-in-law’s admittance}, my mom was still at the hospital trying to look busy shuffling stuff around.  apparently she never left.

thought 3: my brother is not smart

when telling about your wife’s labor and delivery experience, these are things you do not say to your sister, who will deliver in less than a month:

  • “she is doing good, hurting a little because EVERYTHING TORE APART.  i didn’t even know what was what.  but she’s ok now.  sore.”  {i kid you not, a direct quote from a text he sent me, capitalization and all}
  • she pushed for 4 hours
  • “oh yeah and the epidural only numbed her belly and leg!  talk soon.”  {also a direct quote, and why did he use an exclamation point?  that’s not at all exciting.}

thought 4: expectations

so, i didn’t run down to the hospital to meet my nephew on his birthday.  not that i’m not excited, but i had several things going on that day.  i had to leave work {for the second time that week} for a long doctor appointment.  after that, i had to log on from home to finish up my workday only to find that everything was a hot mess and i needed to put in several more hours of work that evening.  after that, i wanted to do something for me, so i decided to exercise.  by that time, hubby came home and it was time for dinner.  then, was i really going to get myself ready and go back uptown to visit the baby at 8 pm {remember, i’m a tired pregnant person}?  i figured no, because they’ll be there tomorrow.  and they were likely more tired.  and, i texted my brother earlier that day and got no response, so i figured they were overwhelmed.  and {here’s the selfish thought}, do i really want to be in a place full of germs during cold and flu season if i don’t have to be?

well, apparently my family had different expectations of me on my nephew’s birthday.  i started receiving text messages asking if i was busy and why i hadn’t gone to the hospital yet from my father.  he told me “you need to call tonight, your brother wants to share this with you.”  i’m  sorry, but i’m an adult with a life to manage.  i do not need to justify myself to my father or anyone for that matter {other than God}.

clearly my family is “all in” on these type of events.  which is all good if that’s what the couple desires.  again, don’t think the brother and sister-in-law minded, but i worry that my family won’t understand that all of the attention isn’t necessarily what hubby and i desire.

thought 5: if you’re sick, stay home

so after my nephew arrived, we had a little get together at my grandmother’s house to celebrate my sister-in-law and the baby because her baby shower prior to the baby’s birth was cancelled after her first pre-term labor episode and because she got sick.  i guess not wanting to miss the fun, several family members showed up to the get together sick or with illness in their immediate family members at home {one of my aunts was late because one of her daughters got sick in the car on the way down and she had to take her back home}.  then these people proceeded to hold and snuggle the 10 day old infant {without washing hands}.  i pray my nephew is healthy.  all i can say is that this event didn’t fare well for me because i came down with a nasty cold 2 days later {part of the reason i’m behind on blogging}.  guess hubby and i will have to be selective on who comes around and holds bitty after he arrives.

thought 6: how will our labor and delivery experience shake out?

if you haven’t gathered from what i’ve shared above, hubby and i are not fans of extra attention.  while we appreciate the prayers and support from our family, we are also a bit private {i guess that’s the right word}.  we definitely can’t wait to introduce our son to our family, but we feel this doesn’t need to take place within an hour or two of giving birth.  we want skin to skin, bitty’s first meal, stitches and getting cleaned up for me to be just for our family of 3.  we don’t think my extended family needs group texts with my cervical progression, and i certainly don’t want any pictures of me remotely uncovered with the baby being taken by my parents and sent to others.

again, we don’t know how our actual labor and delivery experience will unfold, but the current plan is to be induced in about a week at 39 weeks.  i feel we should share my expectations with my parents, hubby’s parents, and my local grandma prior to the onset of labor.  if bitty is still head down and things seem system go for induction after my OB appointment this week, i plan to send a group email {so it doesn’t look like i’m calling out any one individual} with the date of our induction and our expectation for visits.  hubby’s parents have already told us just to tell them when we’re ready and that they don’t feel the need to be present at every moment if that’s not our desire {why can’t my parents be this awesome?}.

one thing i struggle with is the thought of something going wrong… what if that happens and i’ve just pushed my family away?  hubby and i have fought so hard for this baby, i definitely don’t want my wish for privacy to be a reason something goes wrong.  but i don’t think things work this way.  at least i pray they don’t.

3rd trimester – week 35 so far

our 35 week ultrasound went well.  bitty boy measured in the 58th percentile, which was great news.  he was asleep the whole time and didn’t want to show us his face {despite the ultrasound tech’s attempt to wake him up by hitting my belly repeatedly with the ultrasound wand.  really, lady?}.  the biggest surprise of the appointment was that we learned he is head down now!  i’m still shocked since he had been transverse for 2 months, presumably due to having a uterus with more space horizontally than vertically {the byproduct of having a repaired septate uterus}.  honestly, i wasn’t mentally prepared to hear he is head down.  it took a while to get used to the idea that he would likely arrive via c-section, but i managed to get there by thinking of the benefits like having a scheduled date and avoiding rips.  i’d rather have a vaginal delivery, but the fear of the unknown {when will i go into labor, will my water break, who will be on call} is definitely getting the best of me.  but really, we are likely several weeks away from d-day, and let’s face it, i can plan as much as I want, but just because i have a plan doesn’t mean that’s how it will go.

the day after my appointment with the high risk doctor, i had a follow up with my OB.  he seemed perplexed by my extremely low papp-a level, but healthy looking baby.  he told me he called the high risk doctor.  the appointment was very informative as he shared their plans for me and bitty over the next several weeks.  i will have weekly NSTs for the next 3 weeks.  {assuming nothing happens before}, i will be induced at 39 weeks if my cervix “shows favorability.”  if it doesn’t, i will have two NSTs during week 39.  and i’m not to pass my due date.  sounds good to me!  my OB also tested for group B strep this week, so i guess i’ll get the results next week.

i still have lots of baby prep to do – pack hospital bags, set up playard/bassinet, organize his room, buy diapers {that one is probably key}, get car seat inspected, and the list goes on.  hubby and i did take an infant CPR class this week.

here’s my update for week 35 so far:

  • weight gain: up 3 lbs for a total of 16.  is 3 lbs too much for one week?  let’s just say i didn’t deny myself nightly oreos and milk after last week’s 1 lb loss.  oops.
  • symptoms: i think i may never sleep well again.  here’s a new one, the bottom of my feet itch at bedtime {after i’ve showered and already covered them in lotion because i know they will itch}.  does this happen to anyone else?  also new, my ankles hurt.  maybe due to new flats?  and maybe i have slightly swollen feet, hard to tell.  indigestion, still.
  • emotions: disaster.  can i blame the hormones?  or maybe lack of sleep?  either way, just trying to pray through it all.
  • baby bump: i think it’s getting bigger.  maybe it’s those 3 lbs i gained over the course of the last week.
  • movement: lots of presses and baby hiccups.  the high risk doctor told me i should be kick counting, so i’ve started doing this when i’m at my desk during the day.
  • stretch marks: left boob.

in other news, brother and his wife had their baby this week.  it’s created quite the stir in my emotions.  so much so that it will get it’s own space on the blog and world wide web.  hopefully i can squeeze that post in soon as i need to get my thoughts out and “organized.”