refocusing

dear future baby g number 2,

i don’t know that you’ll ever be here, but i hope so.  before your big brother, i had so much confidence and hope that God would bring us a baby.  it wasn’t a matter of if, but when.  the journey was long, and took many more months than we hoped.  so far, the journey to you is panning out the same.  your big brother was worth the wait, and i hope to be able to say the same about you one day.

why am i unsure about you?  self protection so i’m not crushed if God doesn’t allow us to have another baby?  maybe.  but i also think my confidence in God Himself has dwindled a bit.  i’m so fixated on modern medicine, the statistics, the quality of our embryos, insurance approvals, etc.  where did my faith go?  why can’t i say the same for you – that i know i will meet you one day?  maybe i’m also struggling during this break time because i don’t have a clear feeling about when to start trying for you again.  i’m still trying to recover from our last failed cycle, daddy is ready to jump back in, and i’m just waiting for a sign.

before your brother, i held on tightly to several Bible verses.  they gave me hope and peace.  God has showed me a few verses recently that i need to meditate on, so i’m listing them here.  these are a reminder to me that our Lord is mighty.  that nothing is too hard for Him.  that he can overcome the statistics and my weak body.  i’m human, broken in more ways than one, i do need Him.  doctors are great, but God is the ultimate healer.  His ability and power goes beyond what i can dream and see.  that’s fabulous news.

for I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear; I will help you {Isaiah 41:13}

let your gentleness be evident to all. the Lord is near. do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus {Philippians 4:5-7}

even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you {Isaiah 46:4}

rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus {1 Thessalonians 5:16-18}

consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. if any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. but when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. that person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do {James 1:2-8}

“if you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer” {Matthew 21:22}

Jesus looked at them and said, “with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” {Matthew 19:26}

for with God nothing will be impossible {Luke 1:37}

ah, Lord God! behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. there is nothing too hard for You {Jeremiah 32:17}

my goal is to get back to that place of confidence and faith, to shake the doubt and anxiety that take hold of my mind.  and i’ve asked God to remove the desire for you if He has no intentions of giving you to us.  He can do great things, including changing my heart if that is His will.

love, 

mommy

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faith over fear

it’s been a while since my last update.  a lot has happened, so here’s my attempt to concisely recap.

 

weaning – estrogen and progesterone

we survived.  praise the Lord.  guess my RE knows what he’s doing.  why i think i know better than him, i’m not sure.  well, not that i thought i knew better, but more that i second guessed him.

 

weaning – metformin

exhibit a, girl who is still second guessing her RE: i was supposed to stop taking metformin on wednesday (around 11.5 weeks).  cold turkey, might i add.  has that happened?  not quite.  i’m at least down to 500 mg instead of the typical 1,000.  a lot of {ok two} people i know who have PCOS and conceived while on metformin both took it through the first trimester.  apparently it decreases the chance of miscarriage.  the first trimester is 13 weeks, i’m 11.5.  would an extra week hurt?  seems like it would be fine.  so why didn’t my RE say stop at 13?  i put a call into my regular OB to see if he had an opinion.  i’m supposed to hear back on monday… think i’ll stick with my half dose until then.

 

first OB visit

my OB has to be the sweetest, most patient doctor on planet earth.  he was concerned about my bleeding spells {finally, a doctor who cares}, so he chose to forego the initial pap and vaginal screening until my next appointment.  instead he spent 5 minutves trying to pick up bitty baby’s heart on his doppler {at 10 weeks}.  he was brave for trying, but no luck.  so then he had me wrap up in a sheet so we could sneak in the ultrasound room for a quick peak.  he couldn’t find the tech, so he just rolled up his sleeves and went for the abdominal ultrasound himself.  he didn’t measure or check bitty’s heart rate, but he did make sure the heart was still beating and the baby was still wiggling.  at that, he sent me on my way for blood work and asked me to come back in two weeks.  he did say that if i needed to come every few days due to bleeding to get me through the first trimester, that it would be totally fine {dr. w could use a few pointers from my OB it seems}.  i did give a urine specimen while i was there.  turns out i have a UTI.  seriously?  i haven’t had one since taking a bubble bath at the age of 5.  i bet i got it on transfer day when i got cathed {2 months ago}.  gross.  google says not to worry though, shouldn’t harm baby.

 

first maternal-fetal visit

where to begin?  what an appointment full of mixed emotions.

here are the happy things: bitty baby measured on track at 11 weeks, 3 days, and its heart rate was 170 bpm.  looks like its spine formed appropriately.  the fluid pocket at the back of its neck did not indicate downs.  and my doctor’s 80% guess of gender was girl.  that’s 100 votes for girl, zero boy.  {hubs and i changed our gender forecast to girl after about the 3rd consecutive week of a heart rate above 170.}

here are the things that give me anxiety: not sure how they can tell, but looks like i have more bleeding to do.  at least i was warned.  and, it looks like i’ll be visiting the maternal fetal specialist for the long haul.  even though i had the septum in my uterus resected, and even though the MRI i had prior to that surgery said i did not have a bicornuate uterus, apparently my uterine cavity is somehow still divided.  the maternal fetal specialist clearly picked it up on his ultradound and thinks it’s a bicornuate uterus.  this means i’m at a higher risk for preterm labor and/or incompetent cervix.

 

faith over fear

as you can see, the worrying did  not end after weaning off hormone support at week 9, and it won’t end after weaning off metformin.  there’s something to fear every step of  the way… i could drive myself mad.  i think God has me right where he wants me.  that place where i have to daily {minute by minute} surrender my anxiety to Him and trust Him to work out the details.  He has a plan, both for me and for bitty baby.  He often doesn’t reveal His plan while you’re in the throws of it.  He simply asks for dependence and faith.  i trust Him to finish what He has started, and i trust Him to work all things together for His good and glory.

these verses help encourage me that God has a plan for both me and bitty.  He knew what He was doing when i was in my mother’s womb.  He knew the story i would come to tell through all of my {in}fertility struggles.  and He knows what He’s doing with bitty.

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me… for You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.  i praise You because i am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, i know that full well.  my frame was not hidden from You when i was made in the secret place, when i was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.  {Psalm 139:1, 13-16}