it’s been a while…

i do not actively blog any more.  my passion sort of fizzled after having brian.  also, i went through a lot of muck trying to conceive again last year and just didn’t feel like i had a lot of positivity and encouragement to share.  however, if someone happens to stumble upon this blog, especially for support through infertility, loss, or a difficult pregnancy, i’d like them to know how things turned out for me.  so here goes my update.

most of 2016 was hard for me.  i do not want to rehash my infertility woes in this post, but see immediately proceeding posts to read about the muck.  i was not in a good place.  hubby and i {mostly i} decided it was time to move to a new fertility clinic.  the one we used to get pregnant with brian operates more like a business than a medical facility with the goal of trying to help couples build a family.  i couldn’t take the nickel and diming any more – after having lots of bad luck and feeling like my doctor {and the other doctors and nurses} really didn’t care about me, i could not keep forking over thousands of dollars for fees not billable to insurance.  we had things all ready to move to a new, smaller clinic that was establishing a presence in town.  in the meantime, we had one last ovulation induction cycle at our {soon to be} former clinic as a trial to see if we could transfer a frozen embryo on that type of cycle vs. a classic FET cycle since i kept having allergic reactions to something in the FET protocol.

so, i took letrozole and used gonal-f, triggered with ovidrel, and just had sex.  i couldn’t even bring myself to pay the extra $160 non-billable fee for an IUI.  besides, i knew this drill… we did this type of cycle several times before moving to IVF to conceive brian, and it. just. doesn’t. work.  at least not for me.

well, surprise!!  as sure as i was that my period was coming – sore boobs, cramps before menstruation – we actually got pregnant!  10 days after triggering, something possessed me to pee on a stick, and there were two lines.  hubby didn’t want me to call the clinic that day.  we’ve had so many chemicals, why bother.  a dear friend who had been walking most of the struggle with me last year encouraged me to call anyway.  i did, had my first beta draw that day, and my hcg was 11.  my estrogen and progesterone were also pretty low.  whomp whomp.  nurse denise kindly told me not to expect this to turn into a viable pregnancy.  that was a wednesday.  she told me to double my progesterone suppositories and originally told me to come in the next monday for repeat labs, but then said she would feel better if i came friday.  i actually got a call the next morning saying that dr. wing wanted to check my levels that day (thursday), so that if everything went up, he could administer intralipids that friday.  {side note: intralipids are sort of a controversial treatment – in theory, this IV administration of fat and proteins is supposed to keep your immune system from going crazy and attacking the embryo.}  surprisingly, my hcg, estrogen, and progesterone all experienced a decent increase the next day.  for the next 3-4 weeks, i had a lot of blood draws to keep tabs on hormone levels and a lot of intralipids.  eventually, we had our first ultrasound and saw one tiny little baby, measuring perfectly on track with a strong heart beat.  i still can’t believe it… i got pregnant by having sex {yes, with letrozole and gonal-f too.  but sex.  and no FET}.  this was definitely healing for me.

my pregnancy was scary, and we were high risk… again.  sigh.  i had a bleeding scare at 11 weeks.  my OB’s nurse had me come in for an ultrasound.  i knew it was a bad sign when the tech left the wand in my vagina and walked out of the room to get the doctor on call.  their assessment, a damage to the lining of my uterus that could cause a miscarriage.  i was immediately sent to the high risk doctor {i was supposed to see them the next day anyway for my initial appointment and NT scan}.  turns out my OB’s office just had crappy equipment and the “damage” to my lining was actually a blood vessel that they couldn’t pick up the blood flow on.  my time at the high risk doctor was supposed to end after making sure the repaired separate uterus didn’t compromise the integrity of my cervix, but by that point i had been diagnosed with intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy (ICP), so i had appointments with the high risk doctor for the remainder of the pregnancy.  ICP is a liver issue that can happen during pregnancy.  my liver was too busy trying to process high levels of estrogen and progesterone that it couldn’t keep up with processing bile, so bile acids spilled to my bloodstream.  this is super, super dangerous for the fetus, like causes stillbirth dangerous.  believe it or not, my OB did not want to diagnose me as having cholestasis despite lab results to prove it.  he was acting under one of the four high risk physicians who has a wildly different idea of what constitutes ICP.  so, at 20 weeks pregnant, i set out to find myself a new OB.  the new OB listened to me, explained what he knew about ICP, and treated me for it.  this OB is still in the same hospital network and had to work with the same high risk physicians, but he consulted with a different doctor at the high risk practice who agreed that i should be treated.  the most important treatment for ICP is early delivery, and for me, that meant 36w4d.  there was a lot of swirl leading up to my induction date.  apparently the high risk physicians said the baby couldn’t be born before 37 weeks unless i had an amniocentesis to prove lung maturity, even though my new OB had been telling me all along that delivery needed to happen at 36 weeks.  my OB continued to keep tabs on my bile acid levels during weeks 35 and 36, and they continued to rise.  he decided it was best to stick with the original plan for induction at 36w4d.

so, on june 14th, i reported to L&D at 7:30 PM for cervadil.  my nurse told me it would cause strong period-like cramps in my low abdomen and back.  when i was induced with brian, cervadil was a nonevent, i was expecting it to be the same this time.  well, an hour into it, the cramps appeared just as described.  they lasted throughout the night, and IV pain meds were not touching them.  at 4:45 AM on june 15th, i paged the nurse begging for more pain meds.  she said no, that the cervadil could be removed and i could get an epidural and they would start pitocin.  one problem, there were two people ahead of me for an epidural, and one of them was a c-section.  at some point in conversation, it came out that the cramps i was having were actually contractions, but they were not regular, so i guess my nurse didn’t take them seriously.  shortly after 5 AM, my nurse removed the cervadil and checked my cervix, it was only 2 centimeters.  i got up to wash my face and brush my teeth in preparation for the epidural – i knew i would be stuck in bed after that.  i was still in excruciating pain, and the epidural was taking forever to show up.  at 5:30 AM, i got up to pee.  after i was done urinating, i felt liquid running down my leg.  i knew i was not peeing on myself.  besides, who pees down the side of their leg while on the toilet?  that seems almost impossible.  i wiped up some of the liquid with toilet paper, it was tinged pink.  i yelled into our room for hubby to call the nurse {i did have to yell as he was still snoozing}.  she causally shows up 10 minutes later to confirm it was indeed my water breaking.  at this point i think i’m dying through contractions.  my nurse still didn’t take me seriously, she said they will hurt worse now because there is no water to cushion the blow.  she didn’t check my cervix again.  she leaves the room, and my only pain coping mechanisms were squeezing hubby’s hand off and swearing like a sailor.  around 6 AM (i don’t know what time exactly as it was all a total blur at this point), my crappy nurse returns and barks for me to get on my side.  apparently the baby’s heart rate was dropping during my contractions.  i was ordered to breathe too.  i told her i couldn’t and that i needed oxygen.  the oxygen didn’t make a difference, but i wore the mask anyway.  at some point i demanded she find a doctor or an anesthesiologist because i knew my pain was not normal.  she snickered at me and asked why.  she still didn’t check my cervix.  she at least stayed in the room to monitor the baby.  finally, around 6:15 or so, i told her something was coming out of me.  she asked if it felt like i had to poop.  the answer was yes.  i was still on my side and she asked to look between my legs.  she immediately told me to keep my legs closed and paged for everyone to show up – extra nurses, a baby nurse, a NICU nurse, a doctor, and a table of instruments for the doctor.  yeah, turns out i was in transition after my water broke, and my inexperienced nurse still didn’t pick up on that.  the doctor on call from my OB’s practice was in the OR with the long awaited anesthesiologist finishing up a c-section.  so, the OB on staff at the hospital had to be found.  she walked in, and several nurses helped me turn to my back because i was in too much pain to do it myself.  they put my knees/legs in the stirrups, i pushed one and half times, and baby austin entered the world at 6:24 AM {along with a giant gush of amniotic fluid, might i add… so the nurse’s explanation about less amniotic fluid to cushion the contractions was not entirely valid}.  the OB on call from my OB’s practice walked in to deliver the placenta.  my OB showed up an hour and a half later – still in shock from delivering without an epidural, i was super snarky and told him he missed the whole thing, that delivery did not go as planned, and that i did not have an epidural as planned.  i can say that recovery after this birth was much easier and quicker than with brian.  austin basically birthed himself, and i had way less drugs and pain meds, which had to be helpful. 

i struggled a lot, emotionally, throughout this pregnancy and am still struggling postpartum.  i spent the first 18 weeks in denial that i was actually pregnant and that another baby would be joining our family.  i also hid the news from most of my friends.  once i finally started to share about being pregnant, i was diagnosed with ICP, and spent the next 16 weeks living in constant worry.  now that the baby is here, we’ve had a lot of challenges with feeding.  breastfeeding was not going well because austin was too sleepy to eat, then he was diagnosed with a milk protein allergy, leading to my decision to wean.  a couple of weeks later, his intestines still seem to be a hot mess, and i’m regretting my decision to wean.  i have a few other health challenges that i’m trying to sort through – following up with the GI to make sure my gallbladder and liver are fine/healing post ICP, a small hole in my left retina, i’m overdue for a filling, and i’m trying to avoid a D&E for retained products {again}.  while none of this is life threatening, the combination of all of these issues plus a fussy newborn and a toddler in the terrible twos has almost sent me over the edge.  

to be totally honest, i’m still struggling with these challenges in the context of my faith.  i didn’t get pregnant when i wanted.  when i finally did, i had a scary condition, despite praying that my pregnancy would be free of complications.  i also prayed the entire time that i would be able to breastfeed, and that didn’t pan out either.  i definitely feel removed from God.  i know my expectations are probably too high in terms of living problem free, i am a perfectionist after all.  the Bible promises that we will have trials in this life, and it tells me i should rejoice through all seasons.  i know a lot of women are still waiting to become a mom, and would take small health challenges and formula any day to achieve motherhood… so, i guess i need to be grateful.

i’ll close by adding some of the verses that carried me through pregnancy with austin. to all those who are still suffering through infertility, loss, or a high risk pregnancy… keep running the race and keeping the faith. 

and the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed  {Deuteronomy 31:8}

have I not commanded you? be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go  {Joshua 1:9}

fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand  {Isaiah 41:10}


postpartum thyroiditis or graves’ disease 

i went to the endocrinologist yesterday.  my primary care doctor wanted to check my TSH level again in a few weeks and then refer if necessary, but i asked for a referral sooner.  i firmly believe you have to be your own advocate when it comes to healthcare.  i’m going back to work soon and wanted to deal with the thyroid mess and any further testing before i’m stretched even thinner.  plus, i just don’t feel stellar.  when i called the endocrinologist’s office, i was told the first available appointment for a new patient was october 28th… luckily they checked the cancellation list and had a spot yesterday.

the doctor i met with was nice.  she asked lots of questions, listened to me recap my recent medical history, ordered blood work and examined my thyroid, then told me what the possible problems are {my synopsis may not be 100% accurate, but i’m going to try to convey what the doctor shared with me}.  she should have a better idea after the results from the blood work are in, but i may need a thyroid scan.

1. postpartum thyroiditis.  apparently after giving birth, something in the body can attack the thyroid.  when this happens, the thyroid releases all of the stored thyroid hormone at once.  the pituitary gland recognizes all of the thyroid hormone in the bloodstream, so it does not make more TSH to tell the thyroid to make its hormone {hence the low TSH level – mine was .027}.  eventually, the thyroid hormone in the bloodstream goes away and the thyroid starts to function again.  however, when the thyroid was initially attacked, it could’ve been permanently damaged.  if this is the case, it is no longer efficient, and you are left with hypothyroidism, or an underactive thyroid.  hypothyroidism is easy to treat with medication, and you can take the medication while pregnant.

2. graves’ disease.  this is an autoimmune condition in which the body continually attacks the thyroid, resulting in an overactive thyroid.  once this happens, it doesn’t stop, and intervention is needed.  intervention can be in the form of medication, radioactive treatment, or surgery.  medication can only be used for 1-2 years, because it can have potentially serious side effects like damaging bone marrow.  there are two types of medication, one of which cannot be used during the first trimester of pregnancy.  radioactive treatment seems to be the preferred long term treatment plan – it basically destroys the thyroid, so medication for hypothyroidism becomes necessary.  once this treatment is used, the patient stays radioactive for about a year, so pregnancy is not an option during this time.  surgery would completely remove the thyroid, but this is usually only done if there is a goiter.  medication for hypothyroidism would also be necessary after surgery.

obviously, i’d prefer to have neither of these conditions.  but, since i have one, i’m praying it’s only postpartum thyroiditis and that my thyroid makes a full recovery.  constant health challenges are hard.  i truly feel like i’m at a breaking point and something has to give.  God, this is where i need You.

i’ve been having a hard time praying and reading the Bible lately because i feel abandoned.  i had a time like this during my infertility struggles, but i finally gave in and opened my bible gateway app to find a verse that ended up carrying me through my pregnancy.  i opened the app last week, and the verse below greeted me.  i hope it’s a message from God to tell me everything will be ok.


if it’s not one thing, it’s another

i heard this phrase from my mother a lot while growing up.  it was almost her motto, and now it’s becoming mine.

stop reading if you don’t want to hear about every problem i’ve ever had since the age of 19.

it started with heart issues – an accessory pathway requiring two surgeries.  then tummy troubles for 4 years.  then a fractured foot {twice}.  then a septate uterus.  then PCOS.  then an ectopic pregnancy and miscarriage.  then 3 failed fertility treatment cycles before finally getting pregnant.  but then a high risk and scary pregnancy with cervical changes that still haven’t corrected.  then postpartum bleeding for 7 weeks longer than usual requiring a d&c.  then my tummy issue again.  then breastmilk supply issues.  and now, an extremely overactive thyroid.  WTH?!?!  i need a break before i lose my damn mind.

seems the breastmilk issues can be linked to the overactive thyroid, so i’m glad to know there’s an explanation for my crappy milk.  and seems like my tummy struggles and difficulty sleeping immediately postpartum can also be pointed to the overactive thyroid.  i do question whether this issue started while i was pregnant since i really only gained the weight of brian, his placenta, fluid, etc.  no real fat weight gain.  according to dr. google, it is also possible that my thyroid became overactive postpartum as sometimes your thyroid can swing the other way after being suppressed during pregnancy.  either way, i’ve got a hot mess on my hands. 

at this point, my doctor wants to wait another month and repeat the blood work as sometimes thyroids become overactive before switching to being underactive {both my father and paternal grandmother have hypothyroidism, so this wouldn’t really surprise me}.  if my thyroid is still whacked out, my doctor will send me to an endocrinologist.

to say that i’m frustrated would be an understatement.  i’m just ready for some normalcy.  maybe this is normal and i should be thankful that i’m not dealing with something more serious.

postpartum recovery

well, i’ve mentioned before that i was a wreck the first two weeks of brian’s life.  i seriously thought i may be dying.  i barely slept, and when i tried, i just laid in bed shaking.  eating was a chore.  so much so that i lost a ton of weight and was already back down to my pre-pregnancy weight 1.5 weeks after delivery {i did only gain 16 lbs, but the weight loss was still too fast and pretty scary when trying to make milk for a baby}.  after living off smoothies and protein bars for longer than i desired, my appetite finally improved.  the positive to rapid weight loss is that i was able to wear my non-maternity jeans 3 weeks after delivery.  although i definitely still have a pocket of flab on my belly – i’m assuming from my skin being stretched for a 7 lb baby or maybe my insides getting rearranged.

i was also sore for a solid 2-3 weeks post delivery.  sore muscles, sore back, sore vagina, just sore.  for the record, stairs and recovering lady parts don’t mix.  too much activity the first few weeks made me think my lady parts were going to fall out.  also, apparently itching is part of the recovery process – who knew.  of course there was bleeding {6+ weeks of fun}.  i already mentioned the golf ball-sized clot i had early on.  i was certain my uterus fell out or that i was hemorrhaging.  then at my postpartum appointment, my doctor removed another clot that was hanging out of my cervix.  light bleeding continued for about a week after that.

breastfeeding {pumping} has some interesting side effects.  for instance, night sweats.  really, i should call them sleep sweats as they happened anytime i’d try to sleep.  i would wake up totally drenched, hair matted and shirt all stuck to my chest.  gross.  i started sleeping in a tank top instead of a t-shirt and with the fan on to try to alleviate the issue.  i hate to type this as i know the sweats will return again, but they seem to be on the decrease now.  also noteworthy, breastfeeding makes my appetite out of control.  like ravenous.  i’m confident that i eat more than hubby these days.  kind of embarrassing, but oh well.  final breastfeeding comment… my boobs are ugly.  real ugly.  crazy stretch marks.  i hear they get real flat after weaning too, so i look forward to that.  flat, zebra boobs sounds awesome.

aside from being ravenous, my appetite has returned to that of my pre-pregnancy days – too many carbohydrates and too much sugar and chocolate.  i’m trying to choose healthy snacks with protein and to limit myself to two junky dessert snacks a day {after lunch and dinner only.  believe me, i would demolish a brownie at 10 am if someone told me it was ok}.  also noteworthy on the eating front, apparently my body hates high fat dairy products like cheese and ice cream now.  sucks because i like cheese and ice cream.

emotionally, i think i’m doing well overall.  no depression, but a few drama queen moments.  one of them being over the realization that i live in running shorts, old t-shirts, and sports bras everyday.  i just feel very blah.  even if i get out of the house, my outfit is exactly as listed above.  jeans are a special treat, but it’s way too hot for those now.  if i have to go somewhere requiring better attire, i have a mini meltdown thinking about what in the world to wear.  my main issue centers around bras.  the one bra i have that fits is not conducive to pumping, even though it’s a nursing bra.  and as long as i’m pumping every 3 hours, getting dressed in anything requiring that nursing bra can only be temporary… and needing to change outfits that fast gives me anxiety.  thus, living in running shorts and old t-shirts is just easier.

sleep could improve.  brian can’t go more than 5 hours between feedings at night, usually he only makes it 4.  that means i get maybe 3-3.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep for the first stint.  then usually just 2 hours for the second stint of sleep before i have to get up to pump and eat breakfast before his morning feeding.  eventually he will sleep longer, right?

well, that’s all i have for now.

lab results update

thank you to anyone who said a prayer.  i heard back from my doctor, and the mass he removed was only a clot.  i’m so thankful and relieved.  i’m fairly confident that there is a bit more that needs to work its way out.  i’ve only seen a few small pieces of what could be clot and things still feel ‘corked.’  if the remainder doesn’t work it’s way out by next week, i’ll have a repeat pelvic exam.

we are still waiting for the pap results, hopefully early next week.

something a little entertaining – when looking at the details of my postpartum appointment in my doctor’s online system, he diagnosed me with fatigue.  i laughed out loud when i saw this.  does he give every new mom with a 6 week old this diagnosis?  certainly i’m not alone.

postpartum recovery post to come soon {or eventually}.

postpartum appointment

i had a post in draft discussing my postpartum recovery experience so far.  it was detailed and, as usual, a little sarcastic.  then i went to my OB yesterday {exactly 6 weeks after delivery} for my postpartum appointment, and i have something a little more pressing to write about.

the appointment was a hot mess.  after waiting for 45 minutes {even though i was supposed to be the first appointment after lunch}, my doctor finally graced me with his presence.  i needed a repeat pap due to having abnormal pap smears while pregnant {apparently not all that uncommon}, but as he began his exam he handed the nurse something that was large and in a sterile wrapper.  i instantly knew that was not needed for the pap and just about the time i started to focus on the instrument, he says “amber, there is something coming out of your cervix here.  it is either placenta or a clot.  and if it’s placenta, we need to know about it to make sure you don’t have a condition called placenta percreta.”  i said gross and didn’t think too much about it as he dug a little bit of the mass out and then performed the pap – both tests to be sent to the lab.  he didn’t talk too much more about the mystery mass other than mentioning surgery might be required.  after that, i moved to asking him the 1,000 questions i had been saving for 6 weeks, which he answered.  the appointment felt a bit rushed as he was late from the OR and had a backlog of patients, so there was no further talk about the possible placenta issue, whether my reproductive system is healed, and birth control.  did i mention that my appointment was a hot mess?

mother-in-law was watching brian as he napped, and i needed to get home to pump, so i was very focused on getting out without thinking too much further about the placenta issue or the fact that we barely covered anything other than my 1,000 questions during the appointment.  i honestly thought surgery would be something like a d&c – would stink, but very manageable.

several hours later, i finally googled placenta percreta, and i was not prepared to find what i did.  essentially this is where the placenta attaches itself too firmly to the uterus.  in my case, even though {most of} the placenta was delivered, there could be a portion that is leftover and embedded in my uterus.  treatment looks pretty grim, as surgery is not usually successful at removing the leftover placenta due to the risk of bleeding to death, and a hysterectomy is often needed.  i should’ve known something was up when i had an excessively large clot {oversized golf ball} 5-6 days after delivery.  here’s the thing, the clot wasn’t all clot looking… part of it seemed to be grainy, dried up tissue.  while i’m not gushing blood, bleeding hasn’t ceased for me either.  and the last couple of weeks, when things should be mostly healed, i get weird uterus cramps and a sensation like something is stuck inside me/moving down my vaginal canal every once in a while {although i never see anything large coming out}.

here is where i have to assume the worst.  if it is a clot, wouldn’t it simply detach itself and come free?  i’m a fairly active person – take walks or use the elliptical almost every day.  i go up and down stairs probably 100 times a day at home {i should really count this one day}.  i would think all of that activity should jiggle a clot right out.

i am now an emotional wreck.  my cervix feels like something is jammed in it – probably more of whatever the OB pulled out yesterday.  or maybe the sensation is more in my vaginal canal.  anyway, it will be about a week before the results are back {and next monday is a holiday, so maybe longer}.  because the first couple of weeks of brian’s life were so challenging for me, hubby and i joked on multiple occasions that brian may be our only child.  now that there is a risk that i may need to have a hysterectomy, i wish i would’ve never been so extreme with joking.  deep down, i know that i’d like to have at least one more child for brian to have a sibling and immediate family other than mom and dad.  not to mention, a hysterectomy at the age of 26 doesn’t sound ideal.  but at the same time, i’m thankful for brian’s life and know that my health and safety is extremely important too.

i’m asking for prayer if you follow along.  i have several friends and prayer warriors already on the job, but the more prayers sent up, the better.  two passages come to mind – the first about the importance of others’ prayers and faith for you, and the second is the verse that carried me through IVF and pregnancy.  God is a mighty God, and i’m praying that if it’s His will, whatever my doctor discovered yesterday is non-issue or is treatable.

some men came, bringing to Him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them. since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus by digging through it and then lowered the mat the man was lying on. when Jesus saw their faith, He said to the paralyzed man, “son, your sins are forgiven.” now some teachers of the law were sitting there, thinking to themselves,  “why does this fellow talk like that? He’s blaspheming! who can forgive sins but God alone?” immediately Jesus knew in His spirit that this was what they were thinking in their hearts, and He said to them, “why are you thinking these things? which is easier: to say to this paralyzed man, ‘your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘get up, take your mat and walk’? but I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins.” so He said to the man, “I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.” he got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all. this amazed everyone and they praised God, saying, “we have never seen anything like this!” {Mark 2:3-12}

ah, Lord God! behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. there is nothing too hard for You.{Jeremiah 32:17}

a visit to the {in}fertility clinic

i brought baby brian to dr. w’s office today for a quick visit.  and quick it was.  we chatted with nurse denise the most, spoke to dr. w for maybe three minutes, and nurse mary for even less time.  it was good to see them now that i’m on the other side, and they seemed to enjoy seeing the result of their work.  nurse mary and dr. w both immediately said that brian looks like hubby.  if several friends didn’t already mention this, i would think they were coached to say that to make IVF patients feel confident with IVF {i’m having a harder and harder time determining who brian looks like, although i did think hubby at first}.

today provided a sense of closure for me.  last night i gathered up some leftover {but new} fertility medicine that i didn’t need so i could donate it to the practice {the staff uses medication like this to help patients whose insurance may not cover fertility drugs}.  i also threw away my old sharps container and almost empty vials of progesterone in oil and lupron.  then today, i walked in dr. w’s office as a parent instead of multi-year patient.  even if i need treatment to conceive a future child {if i can forget about how hard the first two weeks of brian’s life were and dare to embark again}, i will already be a mommy.  something about that reality just changes things.  beyond the mental closure, there was a physical sense of closure for me too.  the office was undergoing renovations when i was sent back to my OB last fall, and it looked totally different now.  it was not the place i was accustomed to.  if i do need treatment in the future, i’ll be walking into a “new” clinic with less reminders about all that went wrong {or not my way} in the years leading to brian.

finally, i hoped to ask dr. w’s thoughts on birth control as i have my postpartum appointment with my OB next week and know birth control will come up, but i didn’t have the opportunity to do this is our three minute conversation.  i have two thoughts: 1) birth control just seems wrong after all i’ve been through to have brian, and 2) i’m not sure hormonal birth control is the right option since i have PCOS.  on one hand, it would help prevents cysts, but on the other, it may aid the mess that my hormones are with PCOS.  apparently there is a small window when my cycles will be normal after weaning, and i may want to capitalize on this to try to conceive naturally.  seems like i should not use hormonal birth control then.  anyway, i ended up sending dr. w an email with my question, so i hope he replies.

that’s all for now.  i hope to blog about my postpartum recovery soon.