it’s still hard

{in}fertility.  it’s one of my scars, and technically i guess still a wound since we want another child.  i still can’t conceive a baby without a reproductive endocrinologist.  it’s still hard.  and it still hurts. 

a friend recently had a baby.  no miscarriages.  no {in}fertility.  quick delivery.  baby seems to latch great.  i love this friend dearly, she is one of the best friends a girl could ask for. she has always been sensitive to {in}fertility, and has never taken her sweet children for granted.  but for some reason this has my emotions swirling.

this morning i’m praying for peace about whether or not God allows us to have another child, and i’m praising him for the beautiful little boy he has already shared with us.

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happy birthday, brian!

big boy brian {guess i can’t address you as baby brian since you are a whole year old now!},

happy birthday, bubby!  i can’t believe we’re already here.  the last year has absolutely flown by!  i’m so thankful you are a part of our family.  you bring me and daddy so much joy… we love you millions and millions, more than we have words to describe!

as usual, you’ve continued to grow and change over the last month.  you have your upper one year molars now (first spotted on march 20th, but they were likely there earlier, it’s hard to get a good peek into your mouth).  you are pulling up on any and everything, especially things you shouldn’t be like the oven door to play with the stove knobs!  you can walk holding on to a walking toy or our couch.  crawling is not new, but you like to crawl with toys which is interesting, especially if a toy is big and clunky.  you can sign “all done,” mommy and daddy haven’t really tried to work on other signs with you.  you definitely try to repeat words – the other day i asked you if you wanted a blueberry and you said “buh buh” over and over again.  i have a pretty cute video of it!  and any time you’ve heard the word blueberry since you recite “buh buh.”  they are the only food you’ve attempted to ask for by name, and you seem to love them!  sometimes you a repeat after us – we hear “goh” a lot for “go,” and mommy thinks you tried to repeat “oatmeal” earlier this week.  mommy also taught you how to brush your hair – you don’t get it quite right, but of course it’s cute.  and you hold up your toy phone to your ear and sometimes jabber.  you are definitely learning so much!  you know how to pinch, daddy and i are not so fond of that.  and you know when i’m not paying full attention to you.  there have been instances of you biting me and pulling my hair if i’m holding you and doing something on the cell phone at the same time.  it’s a good reminder that i should be fully engaged with you, but i also have to remind you to be gentle and not to bite. 

for activities, you love to look at books.  you’re favorite seems to be “hand hand fingers thumb,” which is a book about monkeys drumming on drums.  you always smile and laugh when we read that one together.  you also like to go on walks and ride on your smartrike.  toys don’t entertain you for long, but your current favorite toy seems to be a disney train that sings songs as you push it along the floor.  of course you’d rather be playing in mommy and daddy’s kitchen cabinets, in the freezer, with electrical chords of any kind, with the only nightlight in our house, on our console table behind our couch, or with your  nightstand in your room.  we used to tell you “brian, that’s not a toy” when you were playing with something you shouldn’t, but that doesn’t work any more.  you also love to open and close dresser drawers and remove their contents. 

we started swim lessons after mommy resigned from work.  you were a little timid at the first lesson, and you took a big gulp of pool water… we have some things to work on.  my hope is that you get comfortable with water and learn how to safely float and swim in the event of an incident in water.

your feeding and napping schedule is pretty much the same.  we’re still on formula, but your one year appointment is less than a week away, so i’m sure we will be switching to whole milk.  this isn’t necessarily new, but daddy and i have noticed that you seem to wiggle your butt as you get comfortable for naps and nighttime sleep.  like most things you do, we think it’s cute.

the last month held crazy things for you medical wise.  we decided to get a second cranial band to see if it would help correct your plagiocephaly further.  before your first band, your head was severely asymmetrical, and now it’s moderately asymmetrical.  mommy has little hope that the second band will work, but i didn’t want to have regrets and wanted to try all we could to help correct your head shape.  we had a doctor visit for a little rash on your face and legs.  the rash on the face seemed to be allergy related and the leg rash was diagnosed as eczema.  your doctor told us to just use hydracrotozne cream to clear it up (which by the way, the face rash isn’t any better yet).  then the same evening as the day we went to the doctor, you came down with a horrible, awful stomach virus.  i don’t even want to talk about it because mommy is still frustrated that her little boy who can’t even talk yet came down with such a rough illness.  you cried, i cried, it was bad.  it took you several days to feel better again.  we think you picked up the germs at church on Easter sunday. we are taking a break from the church nursery for a few weeks.

we had your one year photos made, complete with a smash cake.  you didn’t really eat that much of the cake, but the pictures were still pretty handsome.  your first birthday party is this coming saturday.  it’s a circus theme, mommy has been working hard on it.  we can’t wait to celebrate your first year with our family and friends. 

our prayers for you remain much the same.  we always pray for your health and well being.  we continue to pray that the sacral dimple doesn’t cause issues for you – we’ve seen some great developmental signs that we’re very grateful for!  we pray that swim lessons will be a success.  we pray that you will grow to love the Lord and live your life for him.  we pray that you will be smart, a leader, compassionate, caring, obedient, honest.

i love you so much, brian.  happy birthday, again, little love!

mommy