refocusing

dear future baby g number 2,

i don’t know that you’ll ever be here, but i hope so.  before your big brother, i had so much confidence and hope that God would bring us a baby.  it wasn’t a matter of if, but when.  the journey was long, and took many more months than we hoped.  so far, the journey to you is panning out the same.  your big brother was worth the wait, and i hope to be able to say the same about you one day.

why am i unsure about you?  self protection so i’m not crushed if God doesn’t allow us to have another baby?  maybe.  but i also think my confidence in God Himself has dwindled a bit.  i’m so fixated on modern medicine, the statistics, the quality of our embryos, insurance approvals, etc.  where did my faith go?  why can’t i say the same for you – that i know i will meet you one day?  maybe i’m also struggling during this break time because i don’t have a clear feeling about when to start trying for you again.  i’m still trying to recover from our last failed cycle, daddy is ready to jump back in, and i’m just waiting for a sign.

before your brother, i held on tightly to several Bible verses.  they gave me hope and peace.  God has showed me a few verses recently that i need to meditate on, so i’m listing them here.  these are a reminder to me that our Lord is mighty.  that nothing is too hard for Him.  that he can overcome the statistics and my weak body.  i’m human, broken in more ways than one, i do need Him.  doctors are great, but God is the ultimate healer.  His ability and power goes beyond what i can dream and see.  that’s fabulous news.

for I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear; I will help you {Isaiah 41:13}

let your gentleness be evident to all. the Lord is near. do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus {Philippians 4:5-7}

even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you {Isaiah 46:4}

rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus {1 Thessalonians 5:16-18}

consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. if any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. but when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. that person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do {James 1:2-8}

“if you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer” {Matthew 21:22}

Jesus looked at them and said, “with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” {Matthew 19:26}

for with God nothing will be impossible {Luke 1:37}

ah, Lord God! behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. there is nothing too hard for You {Jeremiah 32:17}

my goal is to get back to that place of confidence and faith, to shake the doubt and anxiety that take hold of my mind.  and i’ve asked God to remove the desire for you if He has no intentions of giving you to us.  He can do great things, including changing my heart if that is His will.

love, 

mommy

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yesterday

brian and i took a walk in the neighborhood yesterday evening while we waited for “da” to come home.  we saw a neighbor who’s usually out in her yard with her dogs.  both of these are not uncommon.  but yesterday we struck up a conversation that was about more than her golden retrievers and how old brian is.  one thing led to another, and she opened up about a horrific traffic accident her husband was in several years back.  her family thought they lost him twice.  and then he spent 4 months in the hospital recovering.  then on top of it, she lost her corporate job when the economy tanked.  she mentioned that life was chaos and she never imagined being where they are today.  

obviously a different situation, but what she said resonated with me.  it reminded me of the plumb song “need you now.”  the first two lines are “well, everybody’s got a story to tell, and everybody’s got a wound to be healed.”  how true this is.  so often we feel like certainly we are the only one who’s life is falling apart.  and it’s just not so.  my conversation with dottie reminded me that life has pretty hard moments, but when we live to tell, we come out stronger.

we just had a failed cycle.  i’m 19 days strong with dermatographia.  and my thyroid now seems to be going bananas.   life feels out of control, but it always has a way of calming down or adjusting to the new normal. my conversation with dottie reminded me of the verse below.  even if i don’t experience healing on this side of Heaven, there is something to look forward to.  i can do this.

these things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. in the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world  {John 16:33}